An Year of Self-Love

Thats how I would describe or disguise this year in a word - Self Love. Looking back, I have definitely had better years before, but not anything in the immediate past, I can think of, even in this decade. A decade that’s been crucial for my growth and maturity, emotionally and psychologically. But it should also be remembered that growth and maturity are synonymous with the losses and damages inflicted upon us by life at various stages. We wish and dream that, life would get better every year. But only the damages and casualties get better and fulfill your wishes, unfortunately but unremarkably! Maybe I am pessimistic, a lot, but nevertheless, optimistic a lot, for the coming decade. It cannot be a slope, forever. Forever is a word, I was fantasizing a lot, at the beginning of this decade. Now at the fag end of the decade, it has beautifully demonstrated to me that its a word to be found in a dreamer’s dictionary alone.

2019 started with a heavy heart and a confused mind and an unpredictable future ahead. Nothing has changed now. Ditto. The heart is heavier. The mind is puzzled. And the future unpredictable as ever. Maybe everything is an illusion. The end and the beginning precisely being the same and you are allowed some meantime to play your game in between. Every game has to be played with a game plan and adhering to rules. But life is a strange game indeed to be played according to rules or with a preset plan. The most important strategy here is learning to adapt to dire situations. Don't worry, life will bless you with every kind of situations. Nobody walks through here, untested. 

After grazing through scratches and bruises for a period of six years, I had to resort to some critical decisions to improve my life in which I was drowning. With some vows to break, some promises to condone, some duties to be neglected, some pacts to be annulled, some voices to be unheard, some faces to forget, it certainly was the hardest and painful decision, ever. But I wanted to swim and not drown in despair. So I swam through the five stages of grief, denying it at first, asking questions angrily to myself “why me?”, bargaining for the meaning in the suffering, going through a mild depression (thanks to the earlier year’s acquaintance with the same), and finally accepting it and moving on to the next phase of life. 

Its been a long road and I have been discovering several pit stops on the way to renew the enthusiasm and the outlook of life. And suddenly being single again, gives you these enormous wings of liberation, that you can do absolutely anything crazy, like vanishing off the face of earth for ten days. It also makes you realize how you have been holding up your life in vain and wasting your potential in futile limitations. Here’s where the “love for self” takes over and leads you to a horizon of endless opportunities. 

I indulged in various coping mechanisms regularly and somewhat consistently, I believe. I started by scouting out like minded friends of various strata and the result was simply spectacular. Although they were very few and meagre, the time spent was kind of “Quality over Quantity”. Being someone who is not much of a fan of small talks and labelled as being “silent”, I didn't have the necessity to prove anyone of how my insides were arranged when I get in contact with a compatible soul. And that mattered a lot, because it was a flow and nothing was forced.Like minded friends lead you to cherish shared interests and to explore new unshared interests too. My primary exploits to look in them were either a writer or a reader albeit some exceptions in few. 

Writing and blogging naturally impressed and attracted me. Writing is the most powerful mode of catharsis, I have known, for a wounded heart. And it naturally made me an ally and we conquered our nightmares together and scaled my old blog to new heights. Altogether, I published 35 plus articles this year in 2019, a clear record after its inception back in 2007, when I was jobless. It connected me with many readers and helped in a great way in realizing where my real passion rested upon - the scalpel or the pen? Sometimes it made my conundrum, a worthy debate.

Reading books of various genre, alternating between fiction and non-fiction, I started acquiring a steady supply for my library. Sometimes a book lasted two days, sometimes months held on to my grip. I kept flaunting and changing the books every week to keep the flow. Some people would ask me, “how do you find time to read ?”. I would just smile and leave, answering it to myself that even though I may love the enforced solitude, I do need someone to talk to. So I tasted Shakespeare; Conversed with Nietzsche; fell in love with Jane Austen; and so many great minds of the past and the present. “The Book Thief” by Markus Zusak and “Man’s search for meaning” by Viktor Frankl would be the best I had read in fiction and non-fiction, respectively, this year. Coincidentally, both books centre around the Nazi Germany.

The next best thing that happened to me, this year, was my regained friendship with an old school friend and what followed with it. To my utmost surprise, I started RUNNING on a regular basis. Running is a good solution to run away from your problems. What started as a lazy Sunday morning walk on the beach in July, became a routine for the rest of the year. Walking transformed into running and with the help of fitness apps that connect like minded people, we found ourselves cheering up for each other, every time we put on our running shoes. Fitness as they say is like gravity, all it needs is a little push. And of course a friend to accompany. We both were mutually benefited by the symbiosis. Sunday mornings also satisfied our mutual appetite for our hungry photographic lens and the enormous number of display pictures that resulted in our gallery. 

I discovered a new found love for teaching, this year. It basically surfaced from a desire to be of some purpose to the younger minds. Trying to make the boring theory classes interactive by including some non-academic sessions to capture their attention; Putting some effort to impart them the clinical knowledge on busy duty evenings was another initiative; Both came out pretty well, I must admit, from their feedbacks. I strongly believe that we try to emulate our mentors under whom we grew. I was fortunate to have some great mentors and I am trying to give back, in all my earnest, to complete a circle.

Traveling has almost become an integral part of me, through the years. This year saw me covering up the whole southern peninsula with ease. My footprints were etched in Thirupathi (andhra pradesh) in January, allepey (kerala) in February, Dandelli (karnataka) in July, Mumbai (Maharastra) in November and finally Bhubaneswar (odisha) in december. Thats the long story wrapped into a sentence comfortably and conveniently not recording the minor trips to kodaikanal or courtallam. Although my dreams of flying abroad for the first time this year, remained a dream yet again, like the preceding years. Learning to travel alone could open up a plethora of possibilities for dealing life, the way you want to be. That’s one important thing I learnt this year. I read the following lines somewhere and I am living by it.

“Reading teaches you how to tell stories, traveling teaches you what stories to tell.” 

The next thing I am proud of having accomplished this year would be my decision and will power to complete the 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat. Living as a recluse, without any contact to the outer world, sans any connectivity, for ten days was almost like disappearing off from the face of earth. But the benefits, undoubtedly unquestionable. It basically puts a full stop to your constantly overthinking mind. It teaches you so many things, mainly from your self realizations and observations. You understand things from a deeper perspective rather than on a superficial intellectual level. Its an experience everyone ought to feel, especially if you’re inclined towards peace and harmony.

I also spent so many hours on Netflix and spotify. You could say addicted. Netflix is one place which lines up movies of art and wonder, according to your preference, which rarely runs in theatres because they aren't made for the mass. Some were amazing Indian movies which raised the standards to world level, but sadly never seen  or heard anywhere before, stripping them of their due recognitions. Some Tv series got me hooked into it equally and made me proudly binge watching. Most of my Sundays were lost in my barcalounger in front of Netflix. Spotify did the same in terms of music. Music does add up to your survival kit, in desperate times. 

So, I am gonna bring this long writing to an end, emphasizing  the same point, I began with. Self Love. After having lost some of my crucial years mending to toxic and narcissistic people, I have finally found a way out or so it seems to be. I have realized that Solitude is essential to understand yourself, at times. I have also realized that I cannot let these coping mechanisms become my comfort zone. And I think I am ready for the next phase. In a nutshell, I cannot describe or disguise this year, any more perfect than this phrase - An year of Self Love.

Self Love is the mantra. 

Self Love is not Selfish.

Heal Thy self.

Healthy self.

Happy New year 2020!

May your deepest wishes and fantasies come true this year!