Marooned with my Mind..
Six months back, I found my life spiraling back into yet another black hole and so I was lost in a limbo. I tried to regain myself with various modalities of rejuvenation. I researched about the different types of meditation techniques available and came upon this name called “Vipassana”. It rang a bell somewhere in the corner of my mind. As I traced the origin of the sounds, I realized that one of my favorite author Yuval Noah Harari (author of sapiens) had recommended the same in his recent book, “21 Lessons for the 21st century” and found it a life changing experience. So I dug more into this ancient technique called “Vipassana Meditation”, said to be discovered by Buddha and transmitted across centuries by a line of dedicated teachers. Vipassana literally means awareness of sensations. The main things that attracted me to this meditation was that it was non-religious(open to all religion) and non-commercial(completely free).But the rules of the course were scary. It was ten days long and a vow of absolute noble silence to be maintained. No contacts to the outside world. No mobiles. No reading books. No writing. No music. No talking to anybody except the course teachers for enquiring any doubt. The schedule looked even more scarier with a minimum of ten hours of meditation daily ranging from 4:30 AM to 9:00 PM, taking the total count to a 100 hours in 10 days. I backed off, with serious self-doubts and ran along with my boring life, as usual. But then, it again resurfaced through a strange sign from the universe, in the form of an old friend. So I revised my thought process and after a tremendous struggle from my insides, I enrolled for the ten day course. A decision was made with fear, apprehension, doubts, curiosity and a tinge of optimism.
The following are my vivid imaginations laced with reality and a lot of abstract conversations, in desperate times to keep up my dying spirit . They are strictly meant to laugh out your guts and not to criticize the meditation techniques.
Driving to the centre
Me: Do you know where we are going?
My Mind: Well. You have packed up pretty much for two weeks. You have applied a long leave. And I see mountains. So I guess, we are going for a long vacation. Am I right?
Me: Absolutely. This long vacation is exclusively for you!
My Mind: Oh really? WOW.. But why have we stopped here? The board reads “Meditation centre”.. Wait.. OMG.. You have tricked me to believe this.. No.. Help.. Help..(sobs)
Me: How many times have I told you to be obedient, not to overthink, to not think about the past or the future? Have you ever obeyed these commands? always brooding over unnecessary stuffs and letting life pass by, by not staying in the present! you need some treatment.. you need some exorcism.. that’s why we are here..(evil grin)
My mind: (with puppy eyes) I swear I will be a good and an obedient boy from now on.. Just turn the car around and lets go somewhere to the mountains and relax there.. pleaseeeee..
Me: Not gonna work this time..This is your salvation and my liberation.
Day 0 - Signing Up
Registration and deposition of mobiles, other valuables were done. Rooms were allotted on twin sharing basis. Evening snacks and tea were given at 5 pm. And we were discussing about the tasty food and at what time would the dinner be served. Thats when some bad news came in. “There would be no dinner for ten days!”
My Mind: Whattttttt? No dinner? I didn't sign up for this! You traitor! What were you even thinking? Did you even read the terms and conditions agreement? *#@$*&%
Me: Ummmmm.. cool down. Let me think. I thought I did read it well. There was breakfast, lunch and tea break, definitely. So I assumed there would be dinner too. My mistake. (Sighs)
My Mind: Assumed? You made this decision on assumption? GREAT! Hey, Stomach.. Did you just hear what’s going on here? He’s trying to get us both killed! We are done with this fellow. Lets revolt!
Stomach: (Joins the party) Whats up with you guys? Did you people sign up for a meditation program or a dieting program? I can’t live on half rations for ten days. I am quitting right away! Hey mind, lead the way.. Right after you!!
The course staffs gave us a brief introduction about the course and the rules and moral codes to be followed. The concept of noble silence was explained and soon after that she said that your vow of noble silence starts now!
Me:(to my mind) What? Now? Immediately? I didn't even get to know the name of the only cute lady in this batch!
My Mind: (in mocking tone) As though, if you had time, you would have gone and talked to her! I know all about you. Shut up your silly cries!
Day 1 - Observing the breath
The course teacher explains how observing your natural breath will help in focusing the mind to be in present.
Me: Your job for today is very simple. You just have to observe the breath. That’s all. Nothing doing. Fine? I told you, this would be easy and a piece of cake for us.
My Mind: Why do I have to observe the breath? Its such a menial and trivial job, not suited to my capability. Besides, I have so many tasks to be done like reliving your past memories and make you feel guilty about it; worrying about your future and make you feel anxious about it; Overthinking about stuffs that would never materialize; See, my plates are already full. I can’t do it!
Me: That’s exactly Why you are here!
My Mind:(with a grim face) I, so, want you to have Ondine’s curse!
Day 3 - Observing the pain
Sitting cross legged in the floor without any back support for 12 hours a day was starting to show up severe back pain.
My Mind: Hey. I have a doubt. why did you choose this course, seriously?
Me: Well, you know, I was in a lot of emotional pain and stress.
My Mind: okay and now?
Me: I am in a lot of physical pain as well.
My Mind:(Sarcastically) Very well. Nice way to balance things up. Good work.
Me: (Raised eyebrows) Thats enough!
Day 4 - Observing the sensations
The course teacher explains about how to keep the mind sharp by observing different sensations in the body from head to toe.
Me: Do you observe any sensations?
My Mind: Yes. I am trying to. Keep quiet. I am working.
Me: Oh. Nice. You seem to be improving. What did you observe?
My Mind: The cute lady, you were glancing at, has a cute star shaped tattoos on her back.
Me: (Face palm!) shut the eyes and observe the sensations in the body, you sicko! Don’t get us kicked out of the course! I know that’s your evil plan!
Day 5 - Boredom catches up
As the days reach the half life of the course, the boredom gradually catches up. The mind starts to play its game of confusion, doubting the decision.
Me: Did we really take a good decision in coming here?
My Mind: How dare you say “we”? It was all your decision and now you want to include me in this blame game! Even now time is still there. We can run away to our home, anytime we want. Come on, be positive. Look at all the fun, you can have. We could roll in our cozy bed and wake up late; we could do anything we want to; Absolutely no restrictions; We could binge watch TV series on Netflix; We could scroll endlessly the Facebook and Instagram pages; We could text our friends and get lost in the conversations; what more do you need for a peaceful living?
Me: Hmmm. Do you think so? Should we?
My mind: YES! YES! YES!
Me: What excuse could we give to the teacher?
My Mind: We would mimic severe abdominal pain and self diagnose ourselves as Acute Appendicitis. It won’t seem so lame.
Me: Hmmm. Lets try one more day. okay?
My Mind:(irritated) Don’t ever ask me suggestions again and waste my time!
Noble silence
Prohibited to talk, smile, gesture to fellow meditators, we almost were roaming like zombies and we ate vegetarian. What an irony!
We worked strictly according to the bell, that rang at correct timings, testing the buried pavlov’s dog inside us.
There was a boy with the tight shirt, who was sitting in the row before me, in the meditation hall. The shirt being tight would seem a little harsh on the shirt. Every time, he would sit cross legged on the floor, the shirt would pop up exposing his natal cleft. In normal conditions, one would tell him to cover it up. But then this noble silence had to be practiced strictly. So the guy sitting just behind him would immediately close his eyes even before the meditation session would begin. Such a pity. And on another day, an old man came up with his zippers down. I had to be the victim of that incident and I started meditating even outside the hall, closing my eyes, instantaneously. Such was the power of noble silence!
Day 7 - Counting down the days
Me: Before joining here, I just wanted liberation from the bondages and shackles of daily life.
My Mind: Now?
Me: I just want to be liberated from this (Mind) concentration camp.
The days got harder and the hours grew longer. The mind was tired and bored of doing nothing except sitting in a place and observing sensations. What would you do when the course on how to end your misery becomes a misery! Thats when the unlikely savior arose from an unlikely place. My mind. The mind which I tried to exorcise, tried to save me back by creating numerous meme templates, making funny and lame jokes, carving sarcastic and satirical lines and whatever sustainable means to survive. Suddenly the scenario looked like the one in the movie “Life is Beautiful”, where the hero makes even the horrible living conditions in a Nazi concentration camp, so pleasant with dramas all around to save his child from knowing the truth. I was the child, waiting for the TANK( NIRVANA) as the bumper prize to be received at the end of my ten days. My mind was the Hero. The unlikely one.
My Mind: Are you not entertained?
Day 10 - Noble silence ends
After going through some sheer will power and determination to complete the course, I completed one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do. A ten day exile of total isolation and absolute silence and some hard mind work. But I would say, it has its proven benefits. It can only be experienced by personal observation.
So, the noble silence vow was ended and we finally got to know the survivors of the course. 6 people left the course in midway. I was shocked to know that some of the people had come to the course for 5th or 6th time. Such was the impact on them, that they repeatedly came at least once in a year.
Me: (talking to 5th time participant) So how was your experience?
My Mind: Shhhhh.. Stop talking to him. He will poison your mind to come back. Run you fool.
Stomach: Yessssss.. make him stop..I can’t starve anymore in this life!
Day 11 - on the way out
Me: I feel some strange inner peace. How about we come here once in a year?
My Mind: Seriously? You want more? Just shut up and drive to the mountains, as you promised me!
Stomach: I don’t trust you guys anymore! Just drop me somewhere in a restaurant and get lost, you two!
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