Tales of Revival

He walked in like a king, as though he had nothing to lose. The mask of cheerfulness was ever present, like pinned to his face. God must have been pretty much tired, trying to peel that mask away from him. But he persisted and survived. “Survived” would be an underrated terminology to be used in his life, perhaps. Because, he didn't just survive, he is living it with zest.

 Its been a long time, now. It should be at least a minimum of two years. The last time I saw him, he was finding it hard to stand on his own legs, literally. Now, he is walking and he hasn't stopped. He hasn't given up. He has held on to hope and faith in himself, probably. Meeting some people from the past can be such a refreshing thing, when you are stuck with a pseudo label of trauma. 

So, this person must be a 40 year old male, who used to visit our surgery out patient department, in Thoothukudi Government Medical College Hospital. He was a type II diabetic and his foot ulcer never healed, thanks to his uncontrolled blood sugar levels. He would get admitted for few weeks, would get better and get discharged. This was a vicious cycle. The neuropathy had set in and the micro-angiopathy wasn't helping either. The admission became more frequent. 

One thing about him was, he was a very cheerful person and he would greet us with joy and enthusiasm on our daily ward rounds. He was accompanied by his wife, who took excellent care of him. Both of them would thank us with extreme gratitude, while getting discharged. He was self employed with a job of applying polish to cars and motorbikes. Every time, he went home, he would be like so confident of improving his business with a readymade cheerful face. Once while coming for a review in the outpatient department,  he even circulated his visiting cards to us and asked for our support. We were congratulating him on his development. We were happy for him and his family. I think he had two children. 

Then again after a few months, he was admitted, this time with a more serious infection of the foot. We tried to salvage the limb by multiple debridements, almost on alternative days. It was agony for him and his family. We saw his face, depressed for the first time. He was evidently worried about the future and his life. Being the only earning member of the family and hospitalized repeatedly for this ailment, it definitely wasn't helping his family and the finances. And the disease progressed and it won the prize. The prize was his limb. We had to amputate the limb to save his life. This was agony to us. Explaining the process to a very good patient, who probably was unlucky with his genetics. He didn't have any habits to justify his disease or his karma. There are something which doctors hate and don't like to be involved in it. Things like saying to an young patient that” you have an advanced  cancer in your body and the prognosis is dismal” , “ we need to amputate your limb, to save your life; even then, anything can happen” , “Nothing can be done at this stage”. And breaking the bad news of death should be the most challenging part in the emotional development of any doctor. A doctor needs to be very empathetic for this and being empathetic can hurt or kill us inside, if we don't adapt to this sensitive profession. 

So we explained the butcher job of chopping his leg off, so that he could continue this “awesome” life in this world and be with his family. We felt sorry for his limb, his wife, his children. We felt bad for him, like why should all the bad things happen to good people! We saw him sinking into his well of depression. There’s this moment in every amputee’s life, when they are being stretchered off into the operating theatre, he would look at his rotten and gangrenous leg and feel it for the last time about the first step he ever took in this world. We have seen patients going emotional before and after the surgery. How a part of them would never be there, forever. If you carefully look into the eyes of the patient, they will tell you a thousand tales of  sorrow, despair, dependency, frustration and fears.

There was this brief period in my life (during my surgery residency) when I was bed ridden for a few months because of a freak femur fracture. Suddenly it was like everything was lost. My ability to walk, to shit or sit independently, to be on my own, to hope, to look into the future; Everything was displaced with dark, unwanted thoughts and fears. I remember telling myself and others, I can’t remember how to walk, back then. That’s how our mind fools the body and plays the victim. I kept on asking the orthopedician, when will I be fine and walk on my own without supports (Thanks to the melodrama of non-union and a fear of a repeat surgery). Learning to walk with a walker initially, then changing from two crutches to a single one and then ultimately walking alone independently, although with a limping gait, I learnt so much, not just about re-walking but so much about life and trauma, be it of any sorts, physical, emotional or mental. 

That’s the thing about trauma, you are no longer the same person anymore. This was a temporary malfunction. But amputation is a permanent deal. Many succumb to the emotional loss more than the physical one. Depression kills more than the amputation, if we don't deal it properly and professionally. So every time a patient loses his limb, he loses more than that actually. His dreams, joys, aspirations, family’s security , everything is chopped off too along with the gangrene. He becomes a liability. His dependency on his family members unravels a storm in his mind. And the storm can potentially destroy his family. He needs a lot of assurances and reassurances. Its no way an easy job to climb from this deep tunnel to see the day light.

And when you see someone arise from that abyss like a phoenix, all your misconceptions about fate and destiny gets entangled in a messy affair. You want to believe in everything thats supposed to be positive. You want to give a chance to everything, however bleak the horizon might look. You want to overlook the “so called” trauma you underwent and stop blaming at everything around you and stop calling yourselves unlucky or unfortunate. 

That’s what exactly happened today. I met the amputee patient after almost 2 years in the same outpatient department and he came to me with the same cheerful face and enquired about my welfare. After getting to know about his life, I was without words for a few minutes and I kept avoiding eye contact with him because I didn't know what to say to him. He had his artificial limb fitted and was walking steadily. His wife, who usually accompanies him, was missing. I didn't wanna ask about it. But it showed, how independent he had become despite his loss. He also proudly said to me that he had updated his business online in Just dial and he moves around a perimeter of more than 100 kms ( from tuticorin to nagercoil) and does the same service (car and bike polish) at their doorstep! I had difficulty gauging my feelings at that precise moment. I was a bit confused, whether to feel proud for his huge achievement or to feel bad for his massive loss or to feel incompetent about ourselves comparing with our enormous potentials or to feel content for the part I have played all along in this huge chain of events that has lead him to this.

We shook hands and wished each other good luck and we parted ways.

This cannot be attributed to simple hope or optimism. This is beyond everything. This is an incredible revival. 

He walked in like a king, as though he had nothing to lose. The mask of cheerfulness was ever present, like pinned to his face. God must have been pretty much tired, trying to peel that mask away from him. But he persisted and survived. “Survived” would be an underrated terminology to be used in his life, perhaps. Because, he didn't just survive, he is living it with zest.