Doodles of the Insane

The Thing Called "Life"

2011-12-29T23:57:00.002+05:30

What's this life made of?

A soul to live with..

A body to live in..

Couple of hearts to break up..

Couple of Lives to mess up..
Couple of regrets to carry up..

A chosen mate to be with..
A reservoir of memoirs to drag with..

An ego to bloat up yours..

An inner voice to heed..

Above all,

A dream to live for..
A dream to live upto..
A dream to live in..
For,
we are all shadows of dust!

I am a Surgeon..

2011-12-17T00:24:00.003+05:30

Life has taken turns and twists, at will, at its own perilous risk. And I, merely, have been a witness to whatever happened right before my eyes and aside and wide.

It has killed a physician in its womb.

It has nurtured a surgeon as its twin .

It has endangered the lives of a million.

It has altered the history of mankind.

For,

It has given a scalpel to a parkinsonian hand.

It has masked an already masked face.

Above all,

It has proclaimed me as a surgeon!

Because I, Dr. A. Jeya Anand, will become a surgeon in less than two and half years from now on and will start increasing the tail of degrees behind my name and . I will be a product of Madurai Medical College or Government Rajaji Hospital, Madurai, to be more apt, for I spend all my time there at the hospital,

Trying to elicit history from the inebriated minds of the drunkards who will be diagnosed as perforative peritonitis and their bowel plastered with omentum just like the jeans patchwork;

Trying to design roads and bridges on a diabetic foot with the freedom of my scalpel, mercilessly

and grafting and suturing those torn, lacerated, avulsed, abraded, shattered, incised wounds, mercifully;

Trying to discover hidden feces from an ill fated anal canal;

Trying to monitor the flow of flatus from a peristaltic tailored bowel;

Trying to literate the illiterate patients and ending up on their side, the illiterate side;
Trying to save the patient's lives and ending up as so-called murderers, unwittingly;

Trying not to save some and turning out to be their Messiah, absurdly;
Trying to treat a case sheet rather than the case in the first place;

Everything happens here in a Government Hospital, in India. Truly impossible things.

You begin to experience something new..

Your life gets hectic by the hours

gives you back the meaning by the seconds..

You tend to experience a day beyond 24 hours

and nights with your face soaked in Red

and your fingers playing the knots

like a weaver bird's beak..

Some make you feel High as Him,

Some leave you with the regrets of a killer..

You are what you intend to do,

regardless of its outcome,

whatever it may be.

P.S. everything has been written on a humorous note and to be taken in the same :)

I shall try my best to feed my blog with regular updates :)

That's me behind the Mask..

Feel you..

2010-06-12T21:23:00.001+05:30

Ever felt being the Sun,

that ultimately nourishes

every cell in this universe?

Ever felt being the Water,

that runs down your throat

on a hot summer noon?

Ever felt being the God,

who imprints his signature

in every spin of his coin?

Ever felt being a Mother,

who derives pleasure in

sweating her blood for

a mundane life?

Above all,

Ever felt being Yourself?

Uninhibited,

Unregulated,

Uncensored,

Uncivilized,

Undisputed?

a Time, in my life..

2010-02-17T18:51:00.008+05:30

There was a time in my life,
when I was so naive,
when my purity outweighed
my clarity of thoughts
and my posed adipose.

Then,
There was a time in my life,
when I had not known
what love was supposed to be.
when I had not conceived
the idea of life.

Then,
There was a time in my life,
when I was still wandering
with beings on earth.
when I was wondering
what would be life after death.

Then,
There was a time in my life,
When I understood the
ultimate dogma of life.
when I realized finally
what it is to be dead.

But,
now there seems to be
no time in my life.

The Mirage

2009-12-26T16:53:00.005+05:30

You wave your hand &
she waves it back..

You say "Hello" &
she responds..

You twinkle your eyes &
she winks at you..

You try to smile &
she widens her's..

You start to believe
that she is the one
to relieve & re-live
your lived out life..

With memories overgrown,
and dreams over-spun,
You try to chase her down,
but she eludes you on her own.

And at that point of gravity,
you realize her..
Her voice as your echoes..
Her physique as your replica..
Her eyes as yours, reflected..
Her smile as yours, faked..
Her kiss as yours, squeezed..
Her love as nothing
but all yours, undiminished..

And then you realize her..
And then you realize you
&
your virtual solitude,
you live in.

The Silence of Love

2009-11-06T20:42:00.004+05:30

Two souls meet in their mid lines
along their curves
to complement one
another
in-vitro
&
in-vivo,
fertilizing an ovum
into an embryo,
nurturing the fetus,
that would be
baptized internally
as peace
&
externally as
the paradoxical silence.

The Long Update for my Chronic absenteeism

2009-08-18T12:03:00.007+05:30

This time when I knock on my sweet home's door, there would be my lovely Mom welcoming me with her array of my favourite dishes, there would be my Dad with his smile contacting his neatly trimmed mustache, there would be those Gold and the Fighter fishes struggling in that confined glass prison, like ever, meant for our(that's us, human beings) entertainment, there would be my desktop awaiting my eager hands over it, there would be those red bananas, which my Mom would have got from a far away place for the only reason that I simply relished eating them, expecting to be chopped off and eaten, there would be almost everything, it might seem. But there would be a lot missing indeed.

My Sister!! Where is she? what happened to her?

Oh yeah, she got married! Did I tell you guys about that??

No? okay.. am sorry. My sister got married to a Doctor( Did I tell you that my sister was a doctor too?? No?? Atleast do you guys know that am a doctor?? ok chill..ours is a family doctor!! sorry, A Doctor family!! except for my mom..)
So now she and her hubby are settled in chennai. So am gonna miss her badly at home when I stay there for a week. The last time I went home was for her wedding. That was some 3 months back. She had her wedding on her birthday :) Two days, one date!! Good for her hubby, One gift for 2 days!! :)

So lets jump on to the author of this blog. What has he been doing all these days? 6 months without a post? Lazy fellow!! sleeping and eating and boozing all days??
Well here's my explanation. My last post should have conveyed the dreadful message that I've graduated myself into a doctor(Beware!!). That was 6 months back. So for the first 2 months, i spent my time working real hard. I was posted in OBG i.e. Obstetrics and Gynaecology, the thing which deals with women completely. I conducted some 10 deliveries and dug out some beautiful babies from those birth canals. I also tore some women's canals and sutured them back after the delivery, this they call episiotomy. Sometimes, if the baby fails to come out, we use forceps or vacuum pump to extract it out. Even then if it fails, then we choose Caesarean section. So my first two months were full of these stuffs. Forgot to tell you about those tubectomies(family planning surgery for women) I managed to finish with my shivery hands(I've essential tremors, so I wont choose to be a surgeon, I fear).

Then the next 2 months in the medicine department. I consider that pretty boring for the fact I was all alone in a Hospital that was situated somewhere in the middle of nowhere. I hoped everyday during those days that either my strict unit Head would retire very soon in the immediate future or someone would be sent as a savior to guard me from scoldings. And the second one happened and I was saved.

The last 15 days, I should be working in the psychiatry(I forget this spelling every time I try to write it!!) department. So I did, dating and meeting psychos and schizophrenics and maniacs all through the day. Yes I survived them.

Then the next 2 months, I've been working in Surgery. Its damn cool for we, interns have no jobs, except for dressing those diabetic foots and gluteal abscesses and anal fissures!! I should mention here about the unpleasant aroma of the Diabetic foot in particular. Its the most horrible, terrible, awful, repulsive, disgusting scent my nostrils or my olfactory nerve had ever scanned!! So as a physician, my advice to you all guys is that never ever fall a victim to diabetes mellitus, for you would hate yourself. Sometimes, we would play hide and seek with maggots hiding under the tunnels in the patient's wound! But the game is over for now.

So the last 15 days, I should be working in the anaesthesia department. But the attender of the department is so kind and honest enough to do the Gandhian note speak. So I am here all set to leave home in a day or two.

That's the long update for my absent 6 long months :)
let me go through all your blogs now and start hunting for comments:)

Back to You..

2009-02-02T14:16:00.006+05:30

So my dear blogmates, I return to where I belong actually. Its been a year, since I abandoned this place for an apparently dusted white coat. Yup my final year is over finally after being exhausted with never ending theory exams and more worser practicals. So with just the results sparing, I guess you can call me a DOCTOR from now on. Hmmm I think its enough for a brief note regarding the Re-entry into the blogosphere. So let me begin my publishing some of my scribbles penned during the last year.

A Stony thought

A stone ,

fell into a pool,

radiating circles of energy,

around the point of impact;

And it ceases to flourish,

further.

A thought,

waved into a mind,

inflicting a quantum of emotions,

around the soul of impact;

And it ceases to live,

further.

The Ideal Match

I knocked on each and every door,

Hoping to look into the mirror.

But only then I realized quite lately,

that mirrors portray only virtual reality!!

Only I saw..

2008-12-04T17:19:00.005+05:30

Only I saw that the moon,
lying somewhere over the space,
was lying something,
at least to me.

Only I saw that the moon,
with its surface embossed
with occult craters,
was gloomy & morose.

Only I saw that the moon,
illuminated by the fiery sun,
was missing its soul
and its tender mate.

Only I saw that the moon,
obscured by thick
melancholy clouds,
was perspiring in its eyes.

Yet I saw through it,
a rare beauty,
in being a solitary soul,
unearthed.

I'll come back..

2008-11-23T16:06:00.003+05:30

Am not dead yet..
Just buried alive..
I'll come back..

My Soul..

2008-04-14T20:40:00.003+05:30

Untraceable,
between the capricious extremes of mood,
among the fluctuating variations of life,
Something,that I call precious, lives..

Lost,
in the mystifying mazes of time,
on the universal path to Death,
Something, that I call precious, lurks..

Living,
with the omnipresent confusions of the heart,
in the delirious illusions of the mind,
Something, that I call precious, slowly dies..

Something that means
nothing to you &
everything to me..

It is something,
that I can't explain,
& you can't understand..

Its my Soul..

i Don't Exist..

2008-03-11T19:11:00.005+05:30

The eternal love for silence only
aggravates the questions of the others..
The questions that never reap answers,
& the answers that never trigger the solutions..

And the hunt goes on for a
prey that never existed..

The prey, I pray for..
The prey, I pray to..
The prey, I stare into,
inside my own reflections..

The race between the two titans,
of the wicked mind & the mighty heart..
one would be sold a slave to the other..
& I would be indebted to the thorns forever,
for I let my mind assassinate the heart!!

It seems I am flawed again, as usual..
Trying to grasp the enigmatic human nature,
all I gained was a little heaviness atop..
& all I lost was my soul for rent!!

Simply.. i Don't Exist..

The Divine Drive..

2008-02-03T12:23:00.000+05:30

Reading this might seriously cause some irreversible changes in your brain, if you are vulnerable, like me!

The cool breeze blew gently along the coastal highway, on a gloomy evening with the sun about to rise for the other side of the world. The furious red ball was floating just above the cool blue ocean, a little away from the never reachable horizon. Lost in the eternal waves of the waves, the hiss of the breeze escaped into the auditory canals of the passers by. A frail wail floated over the wind,inaudible. As the two wheeler approached near, the cry grew louder and intelligible, though masked by the ever blue roar of the sea.

"...its rightly said...its an illusion..hallucination..hmmmm..how would you define Time?? dear.."

"Hey..don't make your thoughts contagious!.. right??(chuckles)..anyway, here's your answer..I ain't what you are..So I wouldn't attempt to screw up my brain and wander the streets as insane!!..you know, thats what you are exactly doing!!.."

"hahaha..but you do roam with me...isn't that enough for the world to label you the same way as they had done to me...PSYCHO!!"

"you know..you are pathetic!!"

"Am not..The world is!!"

"Come on, Jattz, the world would survive...they are opportunistic pathogens!!"

"So would I....and So am I".."you needn't worry..let me get back to the topic.."
"you see, sometimes, I wish time just crawls..and sometimes, why don't it just fly off...and at other times, I wonder, can I make it freeze??.. At all the time, the seconds tick off at the same speed..Its only that we attach special importance to some and neglect the rest..Its all our perceptions..."

"I have developed a desire, of lately.. Its to see myself.. I wanna see myself from a third person's view, so that I could know what I am, still better...so that I couldn't allow my mind to intervene my judgments and justifications.."

"I catch a feeling, that my brain is degenerating gradually..I don't know how to name it or call it..All of a sudden, out of nowhere, some silly incident, either connected to me or the world, would trigger an attack of insanity, anxiety, depression within me..I would remain confined to the four walls and would scream and cry.. I would feel like just disappearing off from the face of earth and let my beautiful soul free of the cursed body..I would attract suicidal thoughts..But strangely, I had lived so far..

"and I found out that I had been deprived of love,care and affection...No, I am wrong...I was shown and showered, but not within my vicinity...people find it hard to approach me...they find it easier to neglect me...But why?? because I chose to neglect them...I really cant explain..."

"what would you do if someone doesn't understands you and cannot feel what you are and cannot hear what you are..You might simply choose to neglect him/her..thats kinda exactly what I had been doing and am doing...Unfortunately the list engulfs the whole bunch sparing a very few..
....I need people who can really show what love is...
....I need people who can really hear what I am...

"Now I really mean what I said before...You are pathetic!!...Don't worry dear..I have always been with you..inside you..I have shown you what love is in the past and will continue my service..you shall not worry, my dear...I think its time to progress our friendship to the next stage, my Love!!"

There was an unusual long pause.He slowed down his bike and left it by the roadside. He got down from it and stood like a stone, stoned. The silence was already killing the waves, mute. He crawled towards the shore and gazed at the sun about to kiss the salty water. He looked back at his bike. Nobody were around in his vicinity. He turned around and screamed into the air, "I LOVE YOU, GOD", with tears trickling down his cheeks.

After an hour of abstract thoughts and activities, he drove his bike along the same road, conversing with the same God, under the moonlight.

Tragedy..

2008-01-09T00:18:00.000+05:30

It hasn't been a good week so far, for us, for our college. The Sun on sunday brought up with it, tears from our eyes. Kunal, a 20 year old lad, my junior, II yr MBBS student was killed instantaneously in a bike crash. He was reportedly involved in a freaky race with his friends, probably after getting drunk. After his bike skidded of the road, he struck his head against the lamp post on the side of the road. He died right there due to brainstem death. His face was reportedly disfigured unilaterally. Horrible! Terrible! Isn't it??

It didn't end there.. Vidya, the guy's girl friend, couldn't possibly absorb the shock and ended up in a state of hysteria. She was calmed down with the aid of sedatives and was taken home by her parents. And the next day, she ended her life too. She belonged to the same batch too. They both were the class representatives in their first year of college for their batch.

The whole college is in a depressing mood. It really hurts when someone of our community departs. Death occurs daily, yet we move on not knowing what it really means.By the time I had finished typing these, atleast a hundred souls would have left their body behind. Thats the way it goes.But do we mourn for their souls? No..[I know I am routed away from the topic]

I had never spoken to any of the two, but still when you try to imagine a live person as a corpse, it simply makes you sick. Isn't it?? It made me so. I simply can't imagine anyone close to me in the same scenario. But the scenario will win over one day. I wish on that day, I am prepared mentally for the loss.

There's only way to leave this world unhurt.. NEVER EVER LOVE ANY.. For if you don't love, you needn't cry for their loss.. But thats practically highly impossible.. And an antagonist to the presumed basics of life!! So we shall Love and Cry.. Love Hurts.. :(

The Secret

2007-12-12T21:45:00.000+05:30

"Something is missing in Life...Guess its Love..."

- a month back..

"Everything seems to be here...what else do I need?...."

- current state..

I believe, its the book, "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne, had refined my view of the world, my thoughts, my everything. Do read it, if you feel or think you are missing something.

Dear friends, I had just completed a mini set of exams and a major one is on the doorstep just waiting for me.. Hope I get to active doodling in some time..

The other dimension..

2007-11-25T14:02:00.000+05:30

Do you know how it feels?
To be left marooned alone..
To be rejected by the one..

Do you know how it feels?
To be darkened by the shadows..
To be brightened by the dark..

Do you know how it feels?
To be not in the list..
To be in the rest..

Finally I understand the feelings of the rest,
& also of those obsessed with the best.

Let the Wind decide to
where, should it blow..

Let the Stream decide through
which way, should it flow..

Let the Gravity decide to
which side, should I fall..

Let the Subconscious rule over me,
in the battles of the best & the rest..

Let Wisdom & Cognition prevail
over intelligence..

Note: Understood best when read with the previous post(its quite small;))

The Best, but Why?

2007-11-18T12:14:00.000+05:30

The glass door swung back to its permanent position, as he rushed in the showroom of exquisite clothings. He marched towards the shirts section and asked for some of the best pieces available in the shop. The shopkeeper displayed the best clothes ranging well above the norm, with obviously a delighted face. He picked up two fine shirts from the heap of the best exposed and moved in search of trousers. He chose the matching ones for the preselected shirts and made sure they are of the best quality too. He ordered them to be packed in their respective glamorous boxes and asked for the bill.
Some indistinct voices echoing inside his head deafened his ear to the shopkeeper's words. Ignoring them, he payed the bill and walked past the swinging glass door and came into contact with the warm air of non-air conditioned earth. The voices grew louder inside him this time.

THE VOICES:
"Why do we seek the best?...Is it just bcoz, you can afford them?....or Is it just bcoz, you wanna exhibit them?...Or Is it in anyway related to confidence level?...

If everyone seeks the best, to whom does the rest rests?( I know the term best is relative!)
If everyone accepts the fame, who is gonna take up the blame?

ECHOES FROM THE PAST:

This habit of choosing the best
& unjustly justifying the rest,
Won't it not act unaided without me??
From these Walls, will I ever break free??

Curse the putrid mind?
-from "The Cruel Conscious" dated July 19,2007...

Love, Live and Care...

2007-11-06T22:28:00.001+05:30

Why did I come back, when I had already waved goodbye?

This is not the first time, its happening with me. I had fought with people,verbally and mentally(with silence),who mean so much to me in my life, only to find them knock my doors again the next day. I have had no other option but to stand with my arms wide open to welcome them back and forget everything that had spilt on the ground. Bcoz letting them out is just like ripping ur vertebrae out and feeding them to the dogs. For they hold inside them is a part of you, your secrets, your thoughts. And losing them is just weakening yourself.

And I come back here to the blogville not for any of the above reason, simply bcoz I had run out of souls to share my soul. I know its just a temporary phase and everyone will have to face the temporary shift. I had myself been involved in consoling people here whenever they feel low and it was just my turn to be in the receiving end. We human beings need something more important than air. Its CARE. Without care, it just feels like you are already dead. I am fortunate to have you all by my side, though you all live in different corners of the world.

Well my mood had swinged a lot now, after having travalled back to home, living among my loved ones. Its bright now. LOVE is what people need to LIVE. Keep living:)

Fear of Life

2007-11-02T14:19:00.000+05:30

A bullet shatters through the cranium..
A sword swings through the vertebrae..
The head departs from the rest..
Brings down the mitosis to an end..

A rolling stone gains momentum..
A rolling head loses its life.

Thoughts acted upon by impulses..
Impulses denied by fear..

Fear of failure eludes success..
Fear of death engulfs life..
Fear of life aggravates the desire..
The eternal desire to die..

The will to live dies..
The will to die lives..

ANGEL

2007-11-01T15:58:00.000+05:30

I wish to talk my mind to the one..
But I have got none.
I wish to blog my mind..
But I haven't got time.
I wish to die now..
But I have got burdens.
Now I wish to live..
But I sob over my inability.
I feel fragile and futile.

I am awaiting an ANGEL..
To guide me in the light too..
To hear my inner insane talks..
To perceive the mazes of my mind..

I am awaiting an ANGEL..
But did I avert any already??

The Closing Credits...

2007-09-10T12:12:00.001+05:30

So here it ends. A blog that was active for the last 5 months will be less than passive in the near future, maybe in the distant dreams too. The doodler's quill is not broken. His thoughts still intact. His insanity quite a question mark though! But there is something more important to me now. My Life...My career... Most of you here would be knowing that I am a Medico. And I started this blog after finishing my last year's exams. And now its time for me to start preparing for the next. I am out of hibernation to burn fresh calories into neurones. And after the exams I can't promise you about the return. For I will be in my final year and I will hardly find time to read those pillowy books even if I start from day one! Thats what called MBBS!

And I never thought I would make this blog a tool for acquiring new friends. I ain't that exciting character who makes friend at a glance of an eyesight or a curve of a smile. But I am glad, I made quite a few here. This place is a special one. Everyone here seems to be kind, soft, caring, loving. I thank everyone here who had supported me in this blog.

The idea of blogging was introduced to me by my school hood friends Ashutosh Mohan and Ravi Sekharan. I was just a spectator that time. Not now. And my English teacher, Mrs. Usha Ganesh, whom I miss a lot after my school days, certainly played a major part in building me up mentally. And my friend Saranya for her words. I thank everyone a lot.

And my co-bloggers Keshi, Rajeev, Raka, Neo, Aman, Nithya, Sophiagurl, Dreamcatcher, Kaylee,soul& body, Annie, Nothingman, Ashu, Shruti, Kalyan, Pravin, Kulpreet, Mystic rose and everyone who read my posts with patience and took strain in commenting to these..I thank everyone. without your comments, I would never have posted these.

Above all, so many people in my life knocked the door and some stayed and some left... they were my inspiration to my posts... each and every post I had doodled is a result of some one...My elder sister Aswini, Viji(quite hard to classify the relation), another V (name disclosed), my friends here with me and so many...Thanks to every one...

anandxz2000@yahoo.co.in is my mail ID..keep in touch...
And do write in what you think about me and my posts...
and choose one of your favourites which you consider is the best of me...
The END...

The Final Cut

2007-09-08T11:09:00.000+05:30

x: I saw this coming. But I never thought, it was lurking this closer.

Me:You know, life is unexpected. Just when you are prepared to move on with your life, something waits for you to get you to an another world! Thats really sad...

X:Yeah..its true..But did you ever think about me? What am I gonna do without you?
I am a heart without blood.
I am a book without pages.
I am a life without will.
I am a life without life.

Me:hmmmmmm...I loved you more than myself. You were just a reflection of me. But still, I hated myself and loved you. But the time has come now. My life is without life too.

X:Your words are comforting. But why don't you continue comforting me?

Me:I wish I stay and keep moving you. But I have to end now. For I have something else precious in my hands.

X:whats that more precious than me?

Me:Its my life...my career...

X:So am I just a passing cloud?

Me:No, you are certainly not a passing cloud...you mean so much to me...know that...But nothing stays forever.

X:yes..Forever is Never...But remember, memories remain...Don't ever delete them from you.

Me:I can't do that. Its not under my will to do such cruel things.
you know I deleted myself from a virtual space some days back. Now I am leaving you. One day I might delete myself from the face of the earth. But I will never delete you and your memories from me. I promise that to you.

X:You are leaving me? its miserable, you know...

Me:I am leaving you...I ain't abandoning you..Will return one day...but God knows that day...

Volcanoes spit out lava in tonnes before going dormant...but they would become active one day..

You know it feels like restraining my hands myself..But I have to do what I don't wish to...

if you can figure out to whom I am speaking, do give a hint of it...The answer in the post to follow this...

Alone...

2007-09-02T16:32:00.000+05:30

“Why don’t you just leave me alone?” he screamed and banged the door shut with a rage that’s killing him cell by cell, tissue by tissue, blood to bones, blood to brain. He is already half dead. A dying dead.

Pissed off with things going around him and his life, he dived into his bed desperately trying to reconnoiter his mind, trying to discover something which he had forgotten for some months now, the sleep!

He began his usual dose of talking with the God. Someone who happen to peep into his room accidentally would certainly call a mental health physician for help. But, in real, he is not the one who needs the care. Maybe the world, which is smothering his nostrils, choking his lungs, restraining his heart, obstructing his brain that belonged to the next generation, need special mental care. He was simple. The world made him complicated and then cursed his complicacy.

“That’s how this planet functions…isn’t it?” he asked. There was no reply. “Why shouldn’t I come with you? I have no significance and nothing to reside here. Take me with you”. There was still no answer.

He maintained a dead silence, just as his life had, for minutes. Minutes later, he screamed again “why don’t you just leave me alone?”

With his eyes thirsty for tears, he shed some to quench its thirst in an effort to make at least his eyes happy. And he lied there on the bed as an inanimate thing, trying to forget that he had forgotten the art of sleeping.

He dozed off with some difficulty into a pleasant dream. It didn’t last either. He woke up sensing some fluid on his face. He had difficulty guessing whether it was sweat or his tears.

The fan had stopped rotating. He realized that there was no power. He went to the bathroom to refresh his sweaty face. There was no water either. He shouted “Mom…nothing is right in this house!!” There was no reply either. A silence as horrible as loudness, indescribable, mysterious, baffling, prevailed over the house. He reached for a light. But they didn’t work either. Infuriated, he went to his Mom’s room, just to discover that there is none in the house.

With the fear clinching his bowels, he came out of the house yelling “is there anybody out there?”, but there was no reply as usual to his posed questions. It was a no moon day leaving the earth alone in its self imposed darkness. There was no shadow following him. He wandered through the streets to find out that he was the only one in the whole town. But the God above had a better view. “He was the only one living, though questionable, dying on the face of the earth”

He thought that GOD finally had seemed to have granted his wish, replied his questions, though not in the desired manner. He still had loads of confusion blurring his immaculate mind. “Had he arrived in a new place or have they left”….but one thing was throbbing his heart…

“Why don’t you just leave me alone?” echoed through his mind restlessly!

p.s. Can you friends see this as a thriller in any angle??Hmmmm..if you do so..let me publish this for Dreamcatcher who asked me to write a thriller some months back before he went off for a hiatus..this is for you brother..:)

In our Own selves....

2007-08-27T14:19:00.000+05:30

Do you know where I am?
Do you know where you are?
Do you know where we are?

The grass isn’t green.
The snow isn’t white.
The light isn’t bright.
The taste isn’t sweet.

The atmosphere is strange.
The air is misty.
The vision is out of range.
Your cheeks are thirsty.

The sky looks pitch black.
The birds don’t seem to fly.
There is something the winds lack.
Even the hard rocks cry.

Is this place, the Mars?
No it isn’t.
This is something familiar.
I had been here before.

Losing the skin you possessed.
Gaining superficial colors you never need.
Exploring the mind you never had.
Dreaming about the rainbow you never will have.

Do you know where I am?
Do you know where you are?
Do you know where we are?

I am buried alive…
You are buried alive…
We are buried alive…

In our own selves...

Orgasm...

2007-08-25T12:05:00.000+05:30

The urge was too high to catch,
irresistible just like an itch.

I knew I couldn't take this anymore,
insatiable like a whore.

Of anxiety, my fingers shiver,
like the waves in the river.

But I had to hold on,
till I find myself alone.

For I can gratify only in solitude,
& I love this high altitude.

The scene plays back in my mind,
with my weapon in the quivery hand.

Up & down, In & out;
My hand dances with it.

The tremors go mild,
With my vision ultra wild.

Rigidly stays my organ.
Words out of none,
spills out through the pore,
thus ending the encore.

The feel of the pen
that pierces the papyrus.
Its my orgasm!!!!

First of all, let me say I just loved the way your mind waved and clinged before your eyes read the last three lines!!:D:D:P:P
And maybe it was too exagerrated;) but thats the way poetry are lead by..isn't it??

Finally..friends, this is my 50th post(actually I thought I wouldnot celebrate this 50..I should have done with the previous..yes 49!! afterall the difference of one?? thats making a lot of difference..isn't it?..so I would stick with my 49 theory;) and 99(if I stay that long!!though I don't see it..)

Comfortably Numb

2007-08-23T10:22:00.000+05:30

I had encountered numerous occasions, in my short life, when someone would always ask me to talk something and not to be numb like a comatose patient. In the beginning I would just consider their words and try hard to speak something (believe me.. speaking to someone whom I feel uncomfortable is the worst thing to me.. and the comfortable people in my list is too short.. so almost whole population of the universe counts against the meager) but now I just turn deafened ears towards them. Do people understand me? Yes some do. For some, it could be their love possessing their mind trying to activate me. So do I understand? Yes I do to an extent.

Some don’t realize that I am comfortable being numb. They receive a wrong notion that I am pathetic and that I need desperate help. It’s not that. I am damn comfortable here in my shoes and what you are trying to shove into me is what makes me uncomfortable. If I feel like speaking out, I will for sure. I will seek out what I need. I am a Capricorn. That means I am capricious. I am prone to sudden change of mood. From a chatter box to a dumb just by a mere entry of a stranger... this is how it goes...

I came across this piece of marvel while rereading Paulo Coelho's "Like the flowing river". That will speak a lot.Try it. I am going back to my state:)

Because it has lived its life intensely
The parched grass still attracts the gaze of passers-by.
The flowers merely flower,
And they do this as well as they can.
The white lily, blooming unseen in the valley,
Does not need to explain itself to anyone;
It lives merely for beauty.
Men, however, cannot accept that ‘merely’.

If tomatoes wanted to be melons,
They would look completely ridiculous.
I am always amazed
That so many people are concerned
With wanting to be what they are not;
What’s the point of making yourself ridiculous?

You don’t always have to pretend to be strong,
There’s no need to prove all the time that everything is going well,
You shouldn’t be concerned about what other people are thinking,
Cry if you need to,
It’s good to cry out all your tears
(because only then you will be able to smile again)

-Mitsuo Aida

Japanese poet (1924-91)

Home salty Home....

2007-08-17T21:44:00.000+05:30

This is where I end after a tired day of traveling and an even more exhausted day of outing in and around Bangalore. Its always good to be home…Everyone knows that…My home is sweet indeed…yet it’s the home of salt for atleast the southern part of India, I guess…Its TUTICORIN(English version) pronounced Thoothukudi in Tamil also known as pearl city…a major harbour city on the southern tip, very close to Sri Lanka…According to our customs(maybe in other races too??), salt accounts for one of the major ingredient of your character…Its rare to see a goiter patient around here…Every land has its own famousness..and this is my home’s…Here you see hard white crystals heaped up just like sand dunes of the desert….from quite a distance it mimics white snow…But don’t expect them…its pretty hot out here!! I am struggling to cope up with the temperature after having been in a place where you rarely need a fan to doze you off to dreams…yet home is something special!!

Well I never felt homesick when I used to go back to college… but strangely I am feeling sick here…my eyes are burning hot emitting radiations which I could not see…I don’t know what the reason is…maybe my eyes were restless roaming around Bangalore capturing cute snaps;)I am typing in with stressed out eyes…catch you soon after my eyes get right…

Akaash
The journey home
Is never too long
Your heart arrives before the train
The journey home
Is never too long
Some yesterdays always remain
I'm going back to where my heart was light
When my pillow was a ship I sailed through the night

The journey home
Is never too long
When open arms are waiting there
The journey home
Is never too long
There's room to love and room to spare
I want to feel the way that I did then
I'll think my wishes through before I wish again

Not every road you come across
Is one you have to take
No, sometimes standing still can be
The best move you ever make

The journey home
Is never too long
One helps to heal the deepest pain
The journey home
Is never too long
Your heart arrives before the train.

One of my favourites from Bombay Dreams by AR Rahman...It conveys it all..

We might as well be Strangers....

2007-08-13T12:33:00.000+05:30

I see in your eyes something malignant.
Why don't you spit it out?
Right on my face,
rather than on my ass.
Prick my heart, if that's your choice,
from the anterior, though!

There's something more worse than hatred,
I realize it now, quite late.
Its your kiss of indifference,
you unleash upon me.
The eye of a stranger,
you stare at me.

Have you lost your past?
Didn't our days last?
where and why have you gone?
Am I incompatible
with the souls of the universe?
Don't ever prove me wrong!

I can move without you.
I have shoulders to cry.
Hands to hold.
Friends to hug.
But remember one thing,
I never said "Goodbye".....

this post is dedicated to my roomie , for having been on my side through hard times, erasing my loneliness of me, though he didn't know whats going inside me!

Forever is Never...

2007-08-10T19:16:00.000+05:30

A sea uproars to a mighty mountain,

Glaciers melt down into the ocean,
All to vanity without a trail.
All under the time's trial.

Clay isn't amiable forever,
Only until it turns hard.
Sponge doesn't absorb forever,
it leaks them out later.

There is a limit limiting everything,
beyond which it mutates to nothing.
You don't remain the same,
forever. Neither do I !

I am not what I was.
I will not be what I am.
I am under the constant
spell of metamorphosis.

Forever is Never...

P.S. this post is a product of being pissed off!

Fly with me...

2007-08-06T15:09:00.000+05:30

Will you follow my tail?
Fly with me
Take my wings free.
I will take you somewhere,
where there is nothing.
No air to inhale,
No water to quench,
No body to be caged in,
Nobody to envy,
Nobody to hate,
Everybody to love.
But no way back,
Yet you can traverse
through the other route.
Will you come?
You will regret having
spilt your blood here.

Lets make it a memorable voyage!
Falling down the Everest,
Crawling through green meadows,
Floating above misty clouds,
Walking on transparent waters,
Sleeping with minds closed,
Lets derive joy from oddness.

You know, the time, you were born,
you didn't know, you were born.
Likewise, you wouldn't know this too.
Its a pleasure;Its an orgasm!
Its a freedom from the bondage!
How would immortals taste it?
How would mortals know it?
Poor world! Pathetic souls!

Everything gain significance
only after its loss.
Its not the same with life,
though the same with DEATH.
Why do you fear to relish an elixir?

Come, Lets invade the next Hell!

P.S. I am not glorifying death here!Just don't fear it!
Live is to live & strangely death is also to live!

Just Hate This!

2007-07-31T22:33:00.000+05:30

Today was not a good day at the college..after all when had it been good when there is a viva?? I hate them so much..Bcoz the reason is I am somewhat poor in practical things..And to know why I am poor in those, my attendance will solve the mystery.. I love studying for theory exams(I really mean it!!).. Basically I love working hard .. I just love those pre-exam days when I go on without a stop for more than 14 hrs a day.. Now in this pre final, we write three subjects viz. ENT, Ophthalmology, PSM(preventive & Social Medicine).. I will appear for those in January ,probably 23rd.. So I just hate these days with no real hard things to do .. I know there's a hell of things to be known yet I don't feel like grabbing them to my brain disk.. Yes I am feeling Lazy!!

And coming back to today's exam, I had to record the case from the patient and present it before the professor..the case was recorded well(courtesy:case sheet and friends!!:D:D) and when it came to presenting , the SHIT happened!! I was screwed irreversibly!! Fucked like a bitch!! I was given a case of Nephrotic syndrome..and I managed to study almost everything about it and yet I don't know where the hell do they find those mind blowing questions to spoil the moods of the poor students!!Lolz.. When I seem to have prepared well , they twine me more.. and when I am not in a mood to answer anything and offer my surrender , they leave me with easy ones.. I just hate this... Of course Luck had been on my side for quite a duration intermittently..But I feel the pleasure of answering the questions is just immeasurable sometimes..leaves me with a joy which equates only to some rare occasions..

Today I ended up in discovering some bizarre techniques to elicit shifting dullness(some technical term !! never mind!lolz) when I was asked to do so.. For which I was laughed at by the Professor and the Post graduates!! Well these things happen atleast once in a month...we have a posting every month and an exam at the end of it..My next one is OBG(Obstetrics and Gynaecology).. let me see whats in store next!! And this time its just 15 days and after which I am flying home for 2 weeks...had been a long time now!!

On the way!

2007-07-29T12:15:00.000+05:30

Where am I dragging this thing ?
This thing everyone control,
Yet disapprove that they do!

With trails left behind
Upon the grass green
Lost in the arid sand
A vicious circle, it had been.

Do I know where I go?
If I had , I would have been
Not a mortal!
A step ahead of it!

friends!! I had been out of this sphere for some time and will continue being the same till the end of this month(just 3 more days!).For I have to work atleast a bit for the pediatrics exam.So catch you soon after the clouds passes by!Till then logging off!!
Jattz

Pricking the Porcupine

2007-07-21T15:28:00.000+05:30

I was comfortably numb & dumb,
But this atrocious crust made me succumb!
How pure I was in that womb?
Will my flesh decay in my tomb?

The skin embossed with the spines in line,
I knew , I am the porcupine!
Of bleeding others , involuntarily,
I feel heavy with cardiomegaly!

Touching me , Why do you regret?
Don't you know , its my reflex?
How would you , poor mortal!
Only HE knows the way I feel!

The sun & the moon takes rest,
but my eyes are spared from its zest!
Dwelling under this blanket of gloom,
now , it has become my doom!

I am shutting down my heart!
There's none around me unhurt!
I don't wish to start to again!
I would better end my lively pain!

this post is to all the victims of the porcupine[thats me!];I have hurt almost everyone around me, please forgive me!! There's a hell of things pricking inside the porcupine.Trust me!!

GOD SAVE ALL!!

The Cruel Conscious

2007-07-19T14:26:00.000+05:30

Am I the one in a million??
Nope, I am just another simian!!
I can see me no more unique;
I feel a constant impulse to kick!!
Curse My pretence??

I don't know whom to trust!!
After all, is this play a must??
Why do I seek the perfect,
in a world of rudimentary puppets??
Curse the parasitic world??

Lust dressed in the pseudonym of Love,
how many more iniquity do I owe??
I know what matters is the core!!
But my blind eyes wanna see more!!
Curse the perverted eyes??

This habit of choosing the best
& unjustly justifying the rest,
Won't it not act unaided without me??
From these Walls, will I ever break free??
Curse the putrid mind?

Evilly, living this life of lies,
beneath my surface, now nothing lies!!
I stand with my arms wide apart,
ready to depart!!
Curse this predatory life??

Where do we lose our innocence??
Is that deficiency termed ignorance??
My acuity is blurred without a lens;
Do I wear my shoes as a penance??
Curse My precarious diplomacy??

To swim in this sea of sins,
I fly with hemiplegic wings!!
Its the conscious, the cause!!
From the inside, hear Your voice!!
Curse the cruel conscious!!

No More...

2007-07-16T18:48:00.000+05:30

I saw her, on a day I was born, first.
From then, none could quench my thirst.
she was cute,
& I was a brute.
yet it was a match made
at the celestial abode.

It was love at first sight.
I sheltered her with all my might.
I have laughed,cried,lied,spoken
everything to her with my heart open.

I thought I would live with her forever.
But it all ended in no where.
She was more than a friend.
But all good things come to an end.

May be I was holding her too tight.
Now, I've to be an insomniac at night.
Tell me where did you go?
To the high Heaven or the Hell so low?
For I've to ask you,
"Did you ever love me??"

Do these count??

2007-07-12T15:21:00.000+05:30

Of the music, the purest,
Betwixt the souls, the rarest,
The spell of scintillating silence.
To hurt, do I've the license?

To coagulate,I nipped the bud,
To hire peace in the bed.
The dead dreams, of my sight,
Now I wonder whether its right?

When I see you, let me be blind!
I don't wish my heart to grind!
From the inside of my head, I hear two,
of which I am confused which is true?

The bleed is now indocile.

I am sick of being a missile,

that penetrates other's leaf.

Do these sins count to my life?

Life in a Medico's Shoes

2007-07-07T14:37:00.000+05:30

Prologue:
What do you think of medicos??They are exceptional hard workers striving for more than 18 hrs a day and barely sleep the stipulated 6 hrs.Brilliant,bright,eminent,excellent etc..Is this what you think of medicos?? If yes, give a second thought and read the following with eyes wide open.If no, still you will have to read with eyes slightly open atleast the epilogue.

Inside the four walls , there were some teenagers sitting in rows and columns deserting the anterior segments of the wooden furnitures. Most of them were staring into a black painted canvas where the eldest of the experienced campaigner was playing his magic with one hand with the brush and his cacophonous yet seducing voice from his habituated vocal cords.

1-Behind the empty front row of wood, some look as if being hypnotized by the spell of the professor. As calm as the wise, rock as the diamond , they stay unmoved, uninhibited even by the flies ,parked over their nose ,showering the millions of infectious pathogens and parasites.

2-Now from the posterior part of the gallery,which is crowded as ever like a school of fishes evading their predators, the atmosphere remains the same as their anterior counterparts.But the etiology slightly differs, infact hugely! They too look as sedated as the antecedents and the flies too don't pity them.Their eyes reflect the calmness of sound sleep.They are far better than dolphins for they sleep with both their eyes open while the latter does with just one open!!(Lolz).They even sleep restricting their snore! Aren't they great??

3-In between these two extremes there remain some other inhabitants who are neither awake nor sleeping.They live in their own world surfing the web,watching porn on their mobiles,reading novels;some read medical books too ahead of the lecturer.

And I belong to the 3rd classification currently.I was in the 1st some months back and now with 6 more months for exams to arrive, I am just chilling out with "The Inheritance of Loss".And its not ending that fast bcoz nowadays I rarely visit the college!!

Epilogue:
This is the life of a medico in our college but it differs from place to place.We enjoy to the core and work to the whole.We hibernate for months and when exams knocks on the door, we burn our lipid to energy and then upload them into our neurones.I love this life.

I, Me and Jattz

2007-07-05T14:24:00.000+05:30

So friends , I am back with my blog dressed in a new wear.Hope you people like it.And about the break, I have returned prematurely for sure.I have no justifications to justify why I left and why I come back. May be my senses are getting a bit degenerated. May be I am really getting reformed into an insane!Tolerate with me and my insanity once again friends....

I start with a tag left in my desk pending, passed on by Vitruvian @ Sneha Padmanabhan.This is not that hard as all I have to do is scribble some 8 facts about myself.Moreover this is my first tag and I have enough patience to do atleast this.So let me recollect my history.Here it goes....

1-I was born on 14th January 1987 in southern Tamil Nadu(India).Its a special date in southern India bcoz its when we celebrate PONGAL in Tamil Nadu and UGADHI in other states such as Karnataka and Andhra Pradesh and I have little knowledge abt Kerala . I have never celebrated my birthday in school or college due to the reason I was born on a holiday.So I had been with my parents for all my birthdays except one when I experienced my first birthday bumps and egg baths and cruel solutions (prepared by mixing surf,jam,shoe polish,sauce,anything thats available in our boys hostel)in my first year of college life at the hostel.

2-From my birth till my teen ages , I used to talk very well to my friends, parents, strangers,everyone.But unfortunately after those innocent years, something crept inside me gagging my sense of speech.I am a complete dumb(not literally) now.

3-I behave quite eccentrically sometimes and justify it as my originality.I try hard to smile at friends whom I am not familiar with.

4-I own my own kingdom and live within it and seldom roam out of it. Only those whom I am comfortable with are allowed to dwell in mine.

5-I find bliss in conversing to Jattz.Wondering who is it?? Jattz is my inner voice or my inner GOD.So its natural for me to be alone and let my talks rule.(Most of the talks take can be heard in my restroom!!)

6-About romance, I am very poor in it.Whenever I am engaged in such things, only my silence speaks and you would barely hear voices such as "then...so...etc..."! It takes a long time for me to get adapted to new found friends and strangers.

7-I am damn possessive about my possessions and sometimes even my loved ones.Those who try to steal them away become my foe.Beware!

8-I love my parents and my sweet sister(elder though behaves younger!!).But I believe I talk less to my Dad and sometimes to everyone.I being a dumb is distressing me in multi direction.

Hope I didn't frighten you by revealing my identity!

"Just like you , everyone has their own personal orientation, a complex set of feelings, attitudes, beliefs, emotions etc.Accept it....Respect it...Respect Humanity..."

Let there be peace all around.

ooooops forgot the important thing....I have to nourish this cruel chain...Some people I know hate tags and so I am sparing them(rajeev,neo etc)
The Hit list :

Saranya
Ravi
Soul&body
Dream Catcher
Kaylee
Acid Tongue

Well actually I got to tag 8 people.But let me save some remorse!!

Let there be peace all around....LOL

For a While.....Exiled

2007-07-01T15:20:00.000+05:30

I could hardly come out for a tea these days.Its pouring down in tons unexpectedly.And my mind has been strangely out of thoughts peacefully.The atmosphere is so gloomy.And I am gonna take a short break till the mother nature plays on my side inspiring my thoughts to more posts.

And I might not be sailing through your shores for a while.I am exiled out of my mind.Will return soon....

P.S. the doodler is known for his stable mind which shivers as much as his heart at a rate of 72 beats per minute.He will be back any time.

The Black Brigade

2007-06-27T21:40:00.000+05:30

Thud!! Thud!! Thud!!
Marched the black army above,
with the spears aimed below...

This is a war,
& Earth is what they mar...

This is a battle,
& life is what they unsettle...

There blew the siren,
that shiver us to frighten...

Scouting the fragile part,
the recruited arrows depart...

sssssshhhh!! ssssssshhhh!!
They shade the sky in infinite...
The living stare at so polite...

Defenseless the men surrender,
& the victorious defeat they suffer...

In every good there is some bad,
& the bad make them sad...

This between the heaven & the mankind,
leaves a million memories rewind...

Its time to welcome the monsoon,
for its our greatest boon!!

P.S. for those who still toil under the sun raining rays, the brigade is already on the way:)

The Perfect SPLASH!

2007-06-24T13:05:00.000+05:30

The sun was back deep under the ocean.It was now the turn of the moon.And the yellow monochrome light faded into dusky white and the shadows vanished into oblivion.The bright blue of the sea into dark black echoing the poorly inflamed orb.

On the other side of the ocean were a couple of shadows crawling on the lonely shores.Of their shadows ,one was lengthier and the other a bit shorter.But the shadows of their souls were very much similar and seemed to merge inside each other.

ZOOMING IN VIA GOOGLE EARTH...

After a brief walk on the sand hardened by the galloping tears of the ocean, we turned back to see our own footprints fighting to triumph over the waves of time.I said, " we will last an eternity living in serenity" , the only time I used my tongue to converse ,that evening. She smiled at me and we held hands and walked towards the small table, interlocked.

TRIIIINGGGGG....screeched something in my pocket.I took it out and switched it off.

"Honey , what was that?" she questioned.
"Just an anonymous call", I answered,"I don't want anything to come in between us, not even the thin air, we inhale!!"
Taking the hint , she stretched out her arms wide open with a mysterious smile adorning her bright face.
"You are very smart,dear" I replied and embraced her tight enough to suffocate her with my pure undimmed love.

After resting against each other's shoulder for some lengthy minutes, settled on the sand across the knee high table. There upon the table was a lonely candle ,illuminating our love , with its flame competing against the waning moon for supremacy.

There above the sand we parked ourselves comfortably and I stared into her eyes, that transmitted the lonely light, trying to guess what was running at the back of her head.
Dusting off my inhibitions, I controlled my hand into my breast pocket ...

TRINNNNNGGGG.....now its the turn of my watch.Silencing it, I checked the time .It was 11.45!

"Why does time rotates so active when you are with me?"'I asked.
"Bcoz its the only enemy that stand against us in this universe!"she responded.

A rare smile popped up out of my face.I asked her to close her eyes for a minute.She did so.
I took out a platinum ring from my breast pocket and held it between my index finger and the thumb, against her suave eyes.
"Open up now!", I whispered.
Gently came off the lids ,revealing the alluring visionaries."WOW",she exclaimed,"I don't believe this!!Oh My God, is it really real??"
I nodded with two pits each one on my cheeks,and added
"you are my life
will you be my wife?"
she went uncontrollable ,exhibiting her neatly arranged teeth in a wide array and also her silver tears that leaked from in between her eyes.
She lifted a glass of water and said," your turn now!, off your eyes for a minute".
My vision went de-electrified !

SPLASH.................

Gawd!! I opened my eyes to see my girl's face disfigured into another one which I am in love for eternity.It was my mother's!!

"Its already twelve..get off the bed and have your lunch..you have skipped your breakfast today..that will be your dinner tonight",she shouted.

She ended with "DAYDREAMS RARELY COME TRUE!"

Breaking the Habit

2007-06-21T20:54:00.000+05:30

Lying down on the floor, staring into the roof, I realized some precious pieces precociously .It was....you need to have a velocity greater than that of the blades of the fan to travel through it ,unhurt. And I believe my velocity need to get amplified a ton times. Otherwise I would end up without blood in my heart and the rest oozing from my skin(I am damn sensitive!!)

Today I realized who was the real innocent.Its not the girl with whom I ended my affair in a spell of elongated unspoken silence.
Today I realized who was the real ignorant.Its not my sweet dear sister, who frustrates & annoys me with her skills of questioning.

Unfortunately its me!!

Innocence & Ignorance are the two eyes of a fool(Am I right??). And so it goes without saying , I end up as a fool, a loser!!Anyhow I can soothe my inside my saying this is not the end ;Just a bend; I am still running the race and I won't lose my pace!!

Life is all about learning, experiencing and of course living. What did I learn this time??

1-NEVER EXPECT!!
I am bugged with this logic! Whatever I expect(be it a silly thing), the exact antipodean happens and I end up bruised.So I am breaking the habit tonight! Well am I being a bit pessimist ??(I don't mind!! My life needs me that way!!) EXPECTANO ABORTUS!!(Wizard fans !!Hold on!!lol)

2-REBOUND
Whatever I do , it gets back on me.So I would better check what I am gonna do.
WHAT GOES AROUND COMES BACK ALL AROUND!!

3-JUSTIFYING MYSELF
This cancerous character of me has already invaded my CNS and I am a slave under its control.This has switched control from my brain to autonomous system.It functions just like my lungs breathe in and out;Just like my organ pumping the claret red into my vessels;I need to abolish this someway.But how and when??

Dont screw your head too much for that...we will jump on to the climax...

I WILL SURVIVE.....

Insanity Awarded!!

2007-06-19T20:29:00.001+05:30

Yesterday night, when I browsed through the comments as usual on my Nokia 3230, I was not a bit astonished.In fact I was amazed a lot. Bcoz I was handed the THINKING BLOGGER AWARD by Neo which in turn was awarded by Rajeev.Both of whom I admire a lot for their capabilities to pen down phenomenal poems(Neo) and crispy yet stunning short stories(Rajeev).

Now getting back to the day(actually it was a night) when I gave birth to this blog , I remember my Mom scolding me to get off the computer and to spend some time on the bed(Now its the reverse, I spend the whole day on my bed in this gloomy icy climate!!).I let my Mom's words traverse through the auditory canal of one and out through the other. And the result is this DOODLES OF THE INSANE. Its just 3 months old(Neonatal) and I believe this comes pretty premature for an amateur(ppl is my ego inflated?? Dont mind atleast for today!!lol).I see those days with my comments zero , posts unread , blog unnoticed ,the doodler unknown.And today everything has changed. I have improved a bit in my language, style etc.I never knew I could write poems, and I did! I don't believe this dream! I am so happy to feel this!

First of all My thanks would reach my favorite teacher in my school , Mrs.Usha Ganesh.I am wordless how to describe my affection, love for her.In my 11th std , I had the privilege of studying under her. And I will never forget those pleasant memories...I would say she sparked the inner fire in me!! I owe a lot to her!!

And I wanna thank my good friend Saranya whom I have never met , yet felt close enough heart to heart , for everything . She doesn't own any blog but has an oxford dictionary embedded in her cerebrum!! A honest critic and a good friend..

And now as per custom , I need to pass this on to 5 more bloggers. And I believe most of whom I read have already achieved this feat, so I dunno whom to award!! Anyway here is my list of bloggers!! Don't mind if you have already received this...I am trying my best to award the unrewarded...

1-sharad speaks
For the way his poems and recently his stories are penned.
2-Soul&body
She is kinda my species and her sweet short poems and those words are amazing.
3-Phoenix
I wonder everyday how is it possible for her to make a post a day!! That too with astonishing depth..abt society, her friends, movies, poems ,everything!!
4-Standby mode
This man has been recently lost with his exams..otherwise a great writer..He said "I am almost there"!! But where are you?? we miss U !! Come back!!
5-incredibly irrational
This is an other girl, I admire a lot..The style of words she use is unique to her..And unfortunately she too has been missing from the blogosphere...

Thanks friends...

Inebriated

2007-06-12T14:57:00.000+05:30

Hanging by the watch's minute hand,

we were exploring our own land;

Too slowly crawled the clock,

Our brains were fixed in a block;

The state of steadiness measured in terms of pegs,

we flew around with wings pinned to our legs;

Out came the words from the inside,

that crenelated the heart in vitro quite wide;

From dumb to a chatter box, cowardice to courage,

this OH-fluid made our neurones outrage;

Our souls confessed our sins kneeling down,

Yet our exterior dressed in the mask of a clown;

We see an aureole around every face,

bcoz the Inner God emerges out from the surface;

We let ourselves ruled by the uninhibited subconscious,

and slaughter our cruel inhibited conscious;

Rhythm of the Night

2007-06-11T14:21:00.000+05:30

Blinded by the celestial flash of light,
that turns my black eye glittering white;

Deafened by the raucous roars of the sky,
that soars the rapturous decibels so high;

Captivated by the aroma of the wet earth,
that equals a million flower's worth;

Drenched by the drops of transparent pearls,
that organizes a beautiful play in whorls;

Dumbstruck by the drama, the sphere so luminous,
clouded by opacities hides beneath my eyes!

Give me, Death!

2007-06-05T12:42:00.000+05:30

Give me a log of wood,
You will see my face bathed in blood!!

Give me a cruel whip,
my torso will bear a tough grip!!

Give me an apical dagger,
my heart will exhibit a hollow bigger!!

Give me a fiery gun,
You will witness in my abdomen none!!

My life vanishes under the hard bricks,
and in the corner my death dangerously lurks!!

The will to live dies ,
and the will to die lives!!

Stagnant Mind

2007-05-31T17:29:00.000+05:30

I logged into my own blog today to be greeted by a noxious scent , swarming mosquitoes breeding plasmodium species inside them , a dozen of flying foxes suspended upside down feeding their rotten fruits , eight legged creatures weaving their tensile web to try their luck for lunch , diverse alienated members of the phylum Arthropoda , a couple of snakes dancing and exhibiting their lethal fangs!!
GUESS WHY??
My blog had been stagnant for a while now!! Beware !!

I feel very much like my blog , stagnant. I feel like struck somewhere. The world seems to be paused to me. But I know its playing back behind my back. I had been lonely this week ,with my roomie gone home.
Alone I sat & ate;
Alone I walked & talked;
Alone I slept & wept;
Alone I lived in my world;
And I realized loneliness is no longer a bliss.

The Inner God (the subconscious I mean ;I prefer to call that way) radiates countless questions and oodles of puzzles towards me , to which I remain a deaf & dumb. The codebreaker fails to decipher the code.The questions unanswered and the puzzles unsolved accumulate to the already piled up flush in my mind. Its stagnant and there is no way to drain it out. It keeps a void above my throat.

I perceive the rainbow with the colour blinded vision and wonder what's the bliss in it??
I let my ears listen to an euphony with a corrupt mind and wonder what's the harmony in it??

The days pass without the nights,

The nights run off with the lights,

The lights burst out of saturation,

I crumble under the pain of exertion.

I feel the water sprinkled upon the lone candle;
The flame of my life is gonna be extinct;

I cried; She smiled;

2007-05-22T11:15:00.001+05:30

The time was dark and it was about to witness the first light of day. And a soul was wandering in this remorseless sphere , lost. Tired of its night duty , the moon whispered to its clan to take over the work of illuminating the life of all the souls. And so came the light of dawn . And so the light in numerous people's life.I know I am one among them, now.But not then.

The place was smelling malodorous(of the fluid that keeps every one alive!) ; May be thats why people were masked there .But once you stand in there for 10 minutes , you will realize that its not that bad! Bcoz you will either get adapted to the stinky scent or you will lose your consciousness to test your olfactory senses.

There in the centre was a cot , a specialized one for an act ; A Godly act; Above the cot were multiple spot lights suspended in air , as if they gonna crash down any moment.The lights were similar to the stadium floodlights illuminating the field but here it was to enlighten the process, a unique process which only the gentler sex are capable of!! Around the bed were people dressed in white , some in green with their maksed faces revealing only their ever alertful eyes, their hands gloved in rubber hiding their fine tremors.

They were circled around the venusian lying on the cot semiconsciously ;but ever conscious about the pain inflicted upon her ;She cries and yells not bcoz of the pain but bcoz of the pleasure.The pain somehow equals the pleasure of being involved in this act of God!!

They manhandle her, command her to breathe in and then breathe out;use those cruel weapons on her to get rid of the creature within.But the creature clings on to her .After a struggle for more than an hour it was finally brought out of the canal. Everyone stay anxious looking for the sign of life from the creature and from the God above.

Above, along the ceiling was the lost soul wandering relentlessly.And I realized very lately that it was me!! I was in a queue with many free spirits filling it. And at the end of the line was very bright.And when I came nearer to the light , I realized souls flying to various parts of the universe in search of their body!! And I was directed to this place and was sucked inside the baby's puny figure.

i opened my mouth and inspired my first air into my immature lungs and it expired out as a cry!!She woke up from her tired labour by my cry , for her painful efforts had bore her a baby. She smiled ;
I saw her face , the first ever my eyes saw;
I felt her soul , the first ever my heart loved;

I CRIED ; SHE SMILED;

Opportunistic Pathogen

2007-05-15T19:03:00.000+05:30

Staring at the death , inevitable
he still believes, he is capable;

The present and the past has been a sorrow;
And there will be no tomorrow;

He scanned around for a light
that would save his plight;

It was dark all around
and a star fell to the ground;
Its intensity adulterated with evil;
Now to live , he has to kill;

In this survival race,
the weak lose their face;
The parasite invades the host;
An upsurge among the pest;

On a wrong axis, the people revolve;
His dark soul will never evolve;
From the bad , the good deflects;
From his body , the malignant image reflects;

He lives a day more
at the cost of an inocent core!

Desire --> Wisdom

2007-05-11T12:29:00.000+05:30

Let me thank Neo for his fired prescription on my doodle entitled "Gloomy paralysis".For it has provoked me to utilize his question as the source for this post.

Neo said...

what makes u think that gettin that special gal wud make ur life better?!!

May 7, 2007 10:54 AM

So I discovered the answer squeezing my frontal lobes with the hard skull.The word desire means "to wish or long for".We all carry bags and loads of desire through out our life and it is those desires which make us travel towards the horizon.
The desires get transformed into dreams which further metamorphose into our deeds that ultimately decides our life.

We all have a desire to see the unseen

We all have a desire to know the unknown.

We all have a desire to hear the unheard.

We all have a desire to feel the unfelt.

We all have a desire to explore the unexplored.

We all have a desire to experience the unexperienced.

We all have a desire to conquer the unconquered.

We all have a desire to love the unloved.

So to add up , we all have a desire for new things.And when time gallops , these new get old and these crazy desires mutate into valuable wisdom.Wisdom cannot be acquired by reading books of great philosophers, by listening to speeches of great leaders, or by witnessing great miracles.Its acquired only by listening to one's own soul.Whatever you grasp from the former deeds is second handed and its not yours but belongs to great philosophers and leaders .

We all own the seeds of wisdom implanted on us congenitally. It needs to be cultivated , nurtured in your own backyard to make the seeds evolve into fruits. Wisdom can neither can be shared nor purchased/auctioned from e-bay!

There is a saying, I guess(I m not sure) , which goes like this....

Common men learn by their mistakes ,while
Great men learn from other's ....

I don't know how true it is...But I believe DESIRES LEAD TO WISDOM.

A Perfect Day

2007-05-08T14:56:00.000+05:30

It has been a perfect day so far today; Although I have just gone half way through it, I beleive its gonna be the same for the rest of the day.Bcoz when you start well , you have a higher probability of finishing well.

After being inspired by the spiderman III movie(I don’t get why people didn’t like this movie?? Its better than the previous two and the best)late night ,I dozed off into a sleep and I still couldn't make out what my brain was thinking about or where I was taken to in my dreams. And the dream thrived unconsciously but successfully ..Here it goes ..

Time 6:01AM – My mobile vibrates beneath my pillow and sends a shrieking burst through out my body.I have been used to these kind of threats which disturb my sleep and I make a quick decision whether to snooze or stop my mobile alarm.And I press the left hand soft key SNOOZE.
Time 6:06AM – It vibrates and shrieks again. This time I choose the right hand soft key STOP.This five minutes of sleep in between is the time when I go very deep to explore and regain my lost dreams and lost Angels!!
Time 6:08AM – I rage the usual war against myself to rise up from the bed of thorns to revitalize my soul . Everyday I lose the battle but not today .Unrestraining the shackes that bind me to the bed ,I flew like a sparrow that has sprouted wings anew experiencing its first flight along the wind , against the wind .I flew.
Time 6:20AM – I went out for jogging which I had loved ever since i finished my ragging (I hated it although during those cruel ragged days)I tried to practice the only technology I knew to tame my mind(mediatation),and I don’t know whether I succeeded or not,although I experienced a momentary joy when doing so.
Time 8:00AM – I went for the Morning class.They said “No class;No attendance;”I yelled “********”
Time 9:00AM – I went for the clinics; Thank God !! Atleast it was there, I got my attendance and some useful knowledge.
Time 2:30PM – Psyhciatry class ...I have been regularly irregular in attending the classes and I was really laughing inside on seeing my plight..Guess what?? I was one out of two who were present for the class!!How the hell did I transform into a regular student???hehhehe

So far it had been a great day just like a dream … I realize its all the consequence of a small battle between me and my bed at the start of the day ...A break from the boring daily life which I very much needed at this time...

The Greatest Battle Always Lies Within.

Gloomy Paralysis

2007-05-06T11:57:00.000+05:30

I end up everyday now in this week exhausted suffering from the gloomy paralysis which is deteriorating my gray matter very much. I have been living a Zombie's life recently. There are so many wishes inside ;so many words unsaid ;so many thoughts unidentified ;so many things inhibited ;so so many ...
Let me jot down my wishes ...
I wish I had no TV in my room...
I wish I had some music to lose myself into it...
I wish MANCHESTER UNITED win the champions league...
I wish more and more people read my blog...
I wish I had a connectivity to the world and other people's mind...
I wish my life had more meaning...
I wish there were some people in my vicinity to talk...
I wish I had that special girl...
So many wishes inside ...Its getting saturated inside...the fullness wont help either...It needs a blank, an emptiness to which I know not how to travel...Its rightly said "the more you talk the less juice your life will have".My juice is terribly low. The only peace I have now is the sleep when my mind goes to the same .And at all other times the incoherent , meaningless , unstoppable , unrestrainable , uncontrollable , crazy inner talk is murdering my soul mercilessly. I have no technology to tame it. The loneliness I loved once , is getting above the lethal dose I guess .I am experiencing the peak of loneliness . If this continues , I will not exist to publish my next post. I will disintegrate .

I wish I had my special girl .But my nutty mind keeps on lying to my soul that "I am alright and I don't need her". I know I am to blame for everything that has happened so far.I have punctured and stabbed two hearts so far for my selfishness, I believe. No wonder the curse of those hearts are bloodthirsty.

I wasn't feeling the same last week...Exactly the antonym of what I am going through now...Life is such a vicious cycle...The only thing which provides me the much needed bliss now is the song by Nelly Furtado

"Flames to dust ..
Lovers to friends ..
Why do all good things come to an end?"

Unreal Identity

2007-05-01T14:39:00.000+05:30

PLEASE READ WITH PATIENCE !!
I woke up today pretty early around 8 AM(yeah!! its early for me) due to the peristaltic activity of my intestine(thats the best alarm that works on me!!).I finished brushing and left my torso in a semi inclined position in which I used to browse the channels of the small lovable idiot box. And I revolved one complete 360 degree revolution of channels through the device held in my hand. I stumbled upon the OPRAH show in STAR WORLD and there was a curious strange guest enlightening(really not enlightening!!crying her sorrows out!!) the show. Her name was Jenny Burton aged just 28 but she had already undergone 26 plastic surgeries !! Some 2 on her eyelids , 3 on her nose(it seems first she wanted a nose like Michael Jackson, then like Jennifer Lopez and then someone else) , 2 on her lips , 5 on her breasts , liposuction on her tummy , arms and many more which I don't remember now. She said it has become an addiction now and obsessed with it!! Who knows , she might go on further too!!

During the course of the show , it was said "we as a nation(denotes the USA) have become like this " ie they have become hyper conscious about their looks !! I don't know how mature I am to deal with this subject(I have already dealt with it in my blog @ LOOKS _ AN IMMATURE VIEW) but I love to explore the unknown .So let me explore it . Friends I am an amateur and immature .So please forgive me , if there are any hard words....

Now starting again with looks, everyone might wanna look better or the best(for some), but strangely one of my friend said that she doesn't want to be looked better...I don't know why .. leave it for now ... The reason we wanna look better or the best is that we as a human being have a consciousness which directs our mind to some basic commands .. for example ..the beautiful has always been associated with love and likeness .. while the ugly has mostly been associated with certainly not love and a kind of hatred (not that severe but a mild one).so most of us would match the following like the way I have done...(pls forgive me once again if my words were harsh!!)
Love - Beautiful
Hatred - Ugly

So we get attracted to the beautiful and deflected to the ugly. I know beautiful and ugly are relative terms and vary with human to human and species to species.But to acquire the beauty , you need not go against the GOD'S law and I will say you should not.Every face is a result of ur Mom n Dad and their heredity .They run through generations and you simply alter the genes of ur family. Of course plastic surgeries can be utilized for those who are disfigured by natural disasters , burns , accidents etc to bring back their lost originality . This reminds me of Frank Ribery , a French International football winger who has a scar running down his face due to an accident I suppose and he still owns the scar bcoz he refused to get operated for he said "it was GOD'S mark on me and I would carry it along!" So there are Jenny Burtons and Frank Riberys !! Extreme poles!!

And coming back to Jenny Burton , she was sobbing through the show .In my view she looked a lot lot better when she was original but she destroyed it .And we all know about Pop king Michael Jackson ,Jenifer Aniston , Jenifer Lopez everyone had undergone a number of surgeries to get that structure ,even greater than the number undergone by Jenny Burton!!They all do it for a living ; that has become their profession .. I don't justify their surgeries by saying this ..(I m really confused!! Help !!)For they never had undergone surgeries , we might not have loved them or liked them or whatever be .. Those surgeries might have opened the gate for their living .. Nobody is to blame .. Different people - Different views !!
But in INDIA we need not worry about this for now bcoz most of the population still lies below the poverty line and they will need money first to fill their gut then at last their face.

But one thing which should not be, has been certified ..
BEAUTY IS JUST SKIN DEEP !!
GOD SAVE THE WORLD!!

Originality is a gift from GOD which everyone possess on the account of their birth and should lie beside them in their grave when they die ..One who loses it loses the spirit of life ..

The Workers

2007-05-01T13:49:00.000+05:30

Tiny ants ,
Puny bees,
buzzing non-stop,
to get atop;

Nevertheless they have to fail,
for the capitalists prevail;

Eternally struck in the pyramid's base,
what they own is a lace;

They,the core of the nation,
but, futile is the notion;
Few know they route the motion
of the economy with passion;

some strive by the sweat of the brow;
Others execute by the sweat of the brain;
These work by the sweat of Red;

The Sweat of my Brain

2007-04-29T13:40:00.000+05:30

And finally the wait for my results came to an end on the friday evening ,when I was getting ready for another small test the next day .. Abandoning the meager quest in hand , I explored my wardrobe for a lucky shirt and got dressed up and flew down the stairs to my vehicle .. I reached the same cyber cafe where I am typing in now .. The atmosphere was different the other day , buzzing with my college mates anxious to know the aftermaths of what we wrote in 2 months ago;to know what books we would be reading the next 3 months;to know whether the phase II of MBBS occupies one and a half or two years;to know our fate and the destiny;

Our Rajiv Gandhi university is famous for many things but certainly for its website, which loads at an astonishing rate of 0.000001 byte per second !!(Really Sucks) And so we had to wait for ages to get our fates naked before our eyes ..

And when I felt my beard have grown a bit and my nails too , I typed in 04M2476 in the box and clicked the submit button and closed my eyes and prayed to HIM as I always did .. The growth recurred as it did earlier and the page ultimately opened .. My eyes inspected the "PASS" word written next to the name JEYA ANAND and my lungs let in a deep inspiration leading to the expiration of the same volume of air .. I passed with 64.29% !!

These tense moments (hmmm no, ages!!) made me sweat even in the cool air conditioned room .. But there were some months when I had to work by the sweat of my brain ..
Those were days when I lived in the library ;
Those were days when I was buried inside my books;
Those were days when my brain complained of overdose;
Those were days when I lived on a mere slice of bread ;
Those were days when I gulped a cup of tea almost every hour;
Those were days when I preserved every second of a minute;
Those were days when I resisted myself from many desirable things;

Those were hard days but I loved it very much .. The struggle I faced within and the battle I fought outside .. I remember my last exam PATHOLOGY II PAPER, when I witnessed the sun set and the sun rise the next morning noticing that I had never rested in between.. I loved those days .. Exams are clearly exasperating but the way I prepared for them and the marks I own now make the unlovable lovable very much ..
LIFE IS UNLOVABLE WITHOUT STRUGGLES ..

Now the university has worthed me 64.29% (I missed my first class by 0.71%), I believe I am worth more .. When I look at those who are ahead of me , something inside gets obstructed ..
THE THIRST FOR MORE WILL NEVER RESIDE INSIDE ME PEACEFULLY!!

The Masterpiece

2007-04-26T15:20:00.000+05:30

Balloons of empty gases,
Bubbles of opaque vapors,
Boulders of unknown matters,
Blown by the Almighty.

Shades of blue,
Shades of white,
Shades of black,
Alloyed up by the Immortal.

The constant blue canvas,
The inconsistent White masses,
Some rigid; Some frail;
Some fumigated; Some flagellated;

Some punctured; Some obliterated;
Some fused; Some solitary;
Some bright under the sun;
Some dark under the shadows;

At times , pigmented dark
that sobs to mop the tears
of some; Elicits the moods
of some;Reflects the blue
of the big pond; Arduous to
detect the horizon interbred;

These designs stationary but
mobile, painted by the Master
ought to be His Masterpiece ,
The SKY & the CLOUDS..

In sane is Insane

2007-04-21T14:34:00.000+05:30

Some months back , I purchased two books by Paulo Coelho from a roadside shop .. Their names VERONIKA DECIDES TO DIE and BY THE RIVER PIEDRA I SAT AND WEPT .. The former one is all about INSANITY and the latter about LOVE .. I never expected it to prove my title "IN SANE IS INSANE" but fortunately it did ..

After the hard work I spent for my II year exams , my mind deserved the inner peace which it acquired by reading VERONIKA DECIDES TO DIE .. I was in a sort of addiction to Paulo Coelho's words and thoughts after losing myself to his LIKE THE FLOWING RIVER .. and the book didn't let me down .. But it took a long time to complete this book .. It traveled with me to Kodaikanal absorbing the scorching heat of Madurai ,lying on the dashboard of our car, through the course of travel and emitting it back in the cool hill station trying to keep itself warm ..Finally I had to finish reading it in the back benches of my PSM(preventive and social medicine) class - the most boring lectures ever given this year ..

Let me start with some of his thoughts which I loved ..
# .. what is reality?
Its whatever the majority deems it to be.Its not necessarily the best or the most logical, but its the one that has become adapted to the desires of society as a whole .. #

Now lets use some examples ..
# .. a ridiculous , useless bit of coloured cloth tied in a very complicated way and which makes it harder to get air into the lungs and difficult to turn the neck ..
This is how an insane describes a tie that ppl use around their neck ..
Now whats the use of it?? its not even purely decorative since nowadays its become a symbol of slavery, power, aloofness .. The one really useful function a tie serves is the sense of relief when one gets home and take it off .. he feels as if he had freed himself from something , though he quite don't know what it is..#

# .. Now we all use the QWERTY keyboards in our homes , offices , everywhere in the world but do we know why they are arranged in that particular order .. NO ..
The answer is here .. The QWERTY keyboard was first invented by Christopher scholes in 1873 , to actually slow down the pace of typing .. Bcoz if the keys were arranged in alphabetical order , the pace of typing would be fast and the keys would get stuck and the machine would stop working .. so it was deliberately done to type more slowly ..
As time passed , the same keyboard was used in computers without knowing what the real reason was .. And if someone changed the pattern and manufactured new keyboards (like a GENIUS), there would be none to buy their products and he would be labeled INSANE .. #

# .. The same thing happens to a clock in a cathedral in Florence , designed by Paolo Uccello in 1443 .. The curious thing about the clock is that ,although it keeps time like all other clocks , its hands go in the opposite direction to that of normal clocks .. At that time , there were clocks like his as well as others with hands that went in the direction we are familiar with now .. for some unknown reasons Uccello's clock then seemed an aberration ,was considered a madness .. #

# .. each human being is unique ,each with their own qualities ,instincts,forms of pleasure and desire for adventure .However society imposes on us a collective way of behaving and people never stop to wonder why they should behave like that..
Forcing urself to be the same as everyone else causes neuroses, psychoses and paranoia . Its a distortion of nature , it goes against God's laws , for in all the world's woods and forests , He did not create a single leaf the same as another.But people think its mad to be different .. #

I end this by staring into the keyboard which I type in and into the watch strapped in my forearm and quoting the following ..

"Walk in the ways of thine heart ,
and in the sight thine eyes ,
but know thou , that for all these things
GOD will bring thee into judgement ."

It doesn't matter who's right ...
It matters who's correct ...

Originality = Eccentricity

2007-04-17T15:39:00.000+05:30

Two friends standing in the pathway to the library and I have to pass them if I wanna get to the reading hall .. They chat among themselves and sip their half tea in a small plastic cup .. I have seen them now and they have seen me .. I make an effort to smile at them and my facial muscles fail to coordinate with my brain and my face end up in a bizzare expression which none can name .. I gaze at them as though I have never known them .. They are familiar with me and no enmity exists between them and me .
Then why did my behavioral instincts fail ??
I feel that question is not apt bcoz I never owned those instincts !!

I and my college mates meet every day and yet I rarely talk to them .. I have been reserved to my circle of friends to whom I talk , crack jokes , sing , play and do whatever I wish .. When someone infiltrates my fortress , I get inhibited a lot and remain merely as a dumbo .. I hate to be in such a situation ..
why didnt I develop those social skills of communication ??
bcoz I preferred to be myself preserving my originality ..

A relationship takes a long time to be built for me .. I mean those with all people not those special ones .. For me it takes an era to forge an alliance and once made its stabilized for centuries .. but unfortunately it wanes due to absence of care .. I have gone through a rough phase with almost all my friends and some I have lost them forever and some I managed to win them back ..
Why are my relationships so fragile??
The answer is still to be discovered ..

All these accounts for my eccentricity but I justify it as my originality..

Gloomy days

2007-04-13T15:36:00.000+05:30

He has never undergone such a crisis as this one , which is ruining him mentally for the past two weeks ..
Its kind of how a leech sucks blood from its victim leaving him anemic ..
Its kind of how an emboli occludes the blood supply of an organ leaving it infarct ..
Its kind of how a neurotoxin leaves a prey just like a living dead "The Zombie"..
He could sense the upcoming danger , a disaster in the near future ..
He could feel the graveyard, where he would be buried as all would be at the end ..
He could peek beyond what his poor eyes see through his new glasses ..

Its gloomy inside yet he tries to broadcast his emotions as joyful ..
The once heard favorite melody now so bitter and yucky ..
The inner harmony he lived in now ruptured and mutilated ..
The purity of his soul now putrid and rancid ..
All these gets reflected in his blog in every post he publishes ..

He hates to glance into the mirror for it echoes his malignant image ..
He hates all those he loved bcoz he couldn't explore an impetus to love himself ..
The hostile atmosphere around him cutting off the rains of love ..
He dreams of those he loved , of those who loved him ,
for it gave a moment of lightness in the never ending days of burdens ..

He strove to assess the root which all Martians tend to do ..
While the Venusians tend to share them with their trusty friends ..
He realized that he was , in the past, in that circle of trust to his friends ..
Is it the consequence of the curse of those hearts he punctured ??May be!!

He knew where the defect was and confessed with his good friend, whom
he met after a long gap and she as usual was supportive in reconstructing his soul ..

He thought abt GOD and thanked him for granting him whatever he wished ..
Now he wished to be downgraded rather than upgraded
for he grasped the wisdom that the older version had the inner peace ..
The advanced version has the pride, confidence in excess to collapse the system ..

He then envisaged that he needed to be good rather than be looked good..

The flower blooms again ..
The sun rises again ..
The moon evolves again ..
The phoenix arises again ..
So he will ..

- By the Doodler's Soul

The season

2007-04-10T12:53:00.000+05:30

Its 10 PM and my cells get nourished from the digested food of the gastrointestinal tract .. The energy from the mitochondrions gives my entire body , a boost that drives me through the dark lamp lit streets to a familiar area .. its a park ..

I pass through the rotating gates and scan the area with my spectacled vision .. A gang of college guyz .. An old man relaxing his muscles comfortably .. A young couple lying on the grassy lawn .. A child playing excitedly in the swing with the aid of his parents ..

I eye my lonely bench under the shade of a tree .. And energetically I propel towards my destination .. Finally I place my torso over the same bench of the same park..which has witnessed my many memorable hours of my college life.. Those hours with my dear friends in deep silence and those with my past love on the other side of the mobile and most eminently all alone with myself..

Whenever my mind fuel reaches a reserve , my leg muscles get automated from the brain to refuel .. and its in this very bench where my mind and soul and body gets relished and refueled ..I have loved this momentary loneliness as much as I love my parents , my sister , my friends , my profession , the nature and myself( I LOVED but not now!)

I come here after a hiatus of some 3 months .. The surroundings has not changed very much but the atmosphere has changed a lot ..

The cool breeze which once get inhaled involuntarily doesnt exist now ..
Its the humid air now which gets repelled away voluntarily..

Those dancing trees looks still as if they were cast into a spell...

The leaves as though painted on a canvas ..

The dull monotonous echo of the crickets ..

The unpleasant croaking of the frogs alluring their mates..

The short stay in my bench was not delightful as it had been in the past .. So my legs again carry me to my room .. its over ..

The season is over for now ... so in my life ...

The flowers ought to bloom again ...

Looks - An immature view

2007-04-08T12:35:00.000+05:30

Looks - what I mean here is the physical structure which gets registered when you see a person.. It could be their face , physique, built, structure, voice, complexion, etc..
When a guy sees a beautiful girl , he ofcourse looks at her dumbstruck...while some pretend as if they gaze at the suroundings but not at her...while some rare people really dont care for who she is...(they are saints probably or sterile...)..Its normal for a fertile men to get attracted to the opposite sex..but what we (most of us) choose is the best or better of them..Of course we human beings always seek to be better than the rest..Everyone wants to look better..Then what is the value of originality??...If every one seeks better , then why were the worst created ??....Just to weep and sweep??..

As a 20 year old guy , i have never derived the solutions for numerous questions related to these subjects abt external and internal beauty...

I went to the extent of following a theory of my own , of my own observations , of my brainless justifications , of my inane insanity ; It seemed to be righteous for the moment bcoz it was nothing but my justifications..I have a very bad habbit - justifying my actions-it has lead me to a virtual grave everytime I justify ..but still I am not recovered completely ..

When the theory got soaked in my soul , it made me to judge a person by his looks(not the way u all think;exactly the opposite way u all think!!)well to make it clear I will put down my work of stupidity...people please dont get offended...It was my STUPIDITY..I CONFESS...

The external beauty is indirectly proportional to the inner beauty!!

After all everything in this world is a balance .. so I tended to apply this law along with my observations and ended in this crap...
Then when I got hold of my centre of gravity , I asked myself "who the hell are you to judge a person??"

I realized that on my evolution from INFERIORITY to MEDIOCRITY, my soul has got corrupt mentally..And I have been transformed to a hypocrite....
I HATE myself now...
But I noticed onething ;
My theory succeeded - I am not GOOD inside!!

An Addict

2007-04-05T19:03:00.000+05:30

Its too heavy to carry it along ..
But too obsessed to leave it behind ..
I never thought it would hamper ..
I never thought I would get habituated ..

I adored it at first sight ..
But now it asphyxiates me ..
I controlled it initially ..
Now its ahead ..

A blend of emotions run through me..
Fear, guilt, happiness,sorrow,grief,gloom..
The fear restraining my muscles..
The guilt calcifying my cardiac organ..
The sorrow constricting my bronchus..
The gloom dilating my cerebral veins..
that dispenses a dull ache ..
The so called happiness masks my face ..

Something is wrong inside ..
I have become an addict to my thoughts..

Getting Adapted

2007-04-05T18:31:00.000+05:30

After a tiring journey through two states for 22 hrs , I finally managed to reach my destination ,Davangere... This is where I study my Medical course and I am proud to be doing it here...Bcoz it boasts of an enormous intake per year ie an incredible 245 seats per year...people from all over the Indian states study here and its quite an interesting place except for its speedbrakers, which u are destined to run over atleast a couple in each street...

So I have just crashed in my penultimate year ...after nearly 3 months , i am getting used to those 1 hr dry lectures, morning clinics, afternoon practicals , evening library hours , late night chats...losing my afternoon naps and regaining them in those galleries of the lecture halls...cruising along the busy roads and scanning the area with our radars...Watching the horror flicks in those small DVD theatres..playing strategy based games throughout the nights..going to bed when the sun rises..Waking up when the sun sets..enjoying a cup of coffee with the friends for hours...Bunking the classes..Tours and travels ..SMS in the classes..annoying the friends thru missed calls ...midnight chats with strangers...one sided crush...double edged loves...hmmmm .....
College life is full of masti for many ...
And I am one among them..

Since I dont browse very often, i will publish my posts in clusters whenever I feel like doing so...Dont miss them....

Transparent mind

2007-03-30T16:15:00.000+05:30

I have a question for u friends….

What if our minds are transparent??

Feels good.. isn’t it?? I think so…

I believe most problems in the world arise due to the opaqueness of our mind.. what if one can see through other’s mind??

# People get those who love them as their partners…

# People get to know who their real friends are ….

# People don’t have to wait for the words to be uttered through the mouth…(of course deafened people wont suffer that much…will they?)

# There is no need for a language for every country, every state, every region….(a common language all over the world!!)

# Naturally crime rates go down…(feels closer to Steven Spielberg’s Minority Report??)

Now when we look at a person for the first time, its his looks which gets registered in our brain … and when we further get closer to them, we get to know about his interior design… until then what we think is just an assumption..

When we can see through the minds of the strangers, its their inner beauty which will be registered in ours and not the futile physique…

And our privacy is lost when our mind can be seen by a stranger ..this might lead to a new set of problems.. Of course there will be chaos, when a system gets introduced, for a short break.. but on the long run adaptation will occur for sure as per the Darwinian theory…

So is Human race on the verge of another evolution ??

Life s all about balance

2007-03-30T13:25:00.000+05:30

I have spent enough time in my home for now .. so its getting a little bored here ..I will be leaving to davangere tomorrow to get into the groove for my prefinal year in MBBS .. when I enjoy out there I don’t remember abt home for some days , then I would feel like coming back here again .. yes its been a cycle all over the ages …

Life has been the same .. its all about maintaining the equilibrium delicately ..

A drug taken in overdose becomes a poison ..

Loneliness for a brief period escorts me to a rapture but the same for a prolonged time makes me insane..

Its abt sandwiching the jam between the bread along with the butter…I guess I m doing it well..

Variable constant

2007-03-30T13:21:00.000+05:30

I am not what I was

I will not be what I am

I am under the constant spell of metamorphosis

This is how I describe myself ..

I have been transmuting over the past few years quite unexpectedly but still the core remains inside me as a constant ...

I was trying to explain myself , my thoughts , my problems to my chechi (online sister.. I now have atleast a minimum of 4 loving sisters excluding my ever loving own akka)yesterday and while doing that I was not satisfied about myself…I dunno why … bcoz of my transformations or bcoz of my constancy….

None is perfect …I am none…

You would find this phrase nowadays common in T-shirts , orkut profiles , some posters etc… well that is just an justification for most of us…

The most craziest thing I have known about our human race is that we try to justify our own actions and try to defend our position where we stand…and I am no exception to this…

Well for a simple example , I don’t talk to girls that freely one year back and I used to justify my act at that time …but now due to play of the fate and destiny , I find myself on the other side of the river and now strangely I defend this side !! hmmm is our human race that crazy?? Or only am I being??

Sometimes inside myself , my mind use to analyze my behavior and it always leave a negative comment behind.. which makes me to weep without tears .. I cry with my mind not with my eyes..

The final opinion about myself is that my metamorphosis has degenerated me …

When I was on the extreme zone some years back ,I felt myself to be pure and now miles far away from the zone , I am corrupted mentally..

After when I gave my chechi , a self analysis abt myself (which I love to do), she said “… you think beyond the range…”

It always feels good when someone is on your side to hear the beats of your heart…thanks chechi …cheers for u…

Hmmmm yeah ...its rubbish again..

2007-03-28T19:50:00.000+05:30

When someone displays his talent , there is nothing more grievous for him than to dispirit his work ...he gets inhibited and his innovation gets subsided ... so it’s the encouragement that keeps him moving along the road…

This is what I have learnt now after having launched this blog…

Everytime I log in , my eyes pay a visit to the numerical digit in front of the comments …and it keeps on sticking as the same constant – the universal zero…so friends if u read my blog please leave a note here ….

I myself have been very hard most of the time …I never use to appreciate things unless they astonish me …hmmm that’s gotto change now for sure …

So acquisition of knowledge transpires only when faced from the horse’s mouth…

Guyz I am an amateur in blogging and my vocabulary is too diminutive …so try to cope up with my pace (guess it cant be called that way!!)

I know what I scribble here is completely insane and I love to do even more …

Thanks for those who read this shit of this INSANE!!

To Rejuvenate Myself

2007-03-28T18:48:00.000+05:30

When I feel very low ,I look down....

When i feel pretty high,I look still up....

Visual DNA

2007-03-27T14:45:00.000+05:30

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Inert Mind??

2007-03-27T13:15:00.000+05:30

At this second atleast a minimum of hundred thoughts flow through my mind, but still I find it hard to ink those …I am in short of innovation which is the basis for an artist…well I never meant myself an artist there…but I try myself to be one …

So about thoughts and a mind …I will engrave something about these today…I guess most of our minds behave just like this …like a monitor to your thoughts …which is never switched off…which can be never switched off voluntarily (can it be???)I guess so…one of my friend has named his blog more appropriately as STANDBY MODE(ie thoughts of a mind in standby mode)that’s cool … isn’t it?

Only in quiet waters do things mirror themselves undistorted..

Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world..

-Anonymous

Read this phrase yesterday while doing my routine browsing …I have read these stuffs in many spiritual books before(I was a spiritual fan some months back…and the Fountainhead transformed me).It is said that through meditation you can achieve the state of thoughtlessness.. I tried my best to meditate but I never succeeded in it…

Well so INERT MIND…is it a possibility?? The mere thought of being thoughtless makes me thoughtfull...

After Death...

2007-03-25T09:56:00.000+05:30

so after having abandoned my last post in middle of somewhere, i come again to renew the post now.. well i hope my last crap would have got u how lazy this creature is....hmmmm leave it for now..
So i was saying some rubbish about death ...right?...yes...

So far I havent experienced the loss of my close friends , parents, relatives[very close to me] etc...but i always fear about that loss..it makes me feel very grievous.. most of the time my mind thinks about the bad things that should not happen ...Thankfully those are still dreams ...Anyways they will happen oneday...I will have to lose them or they will have to lose me...I would prefer the second option easily...but Life is unpredictable as all we know...some months back I lost my English teacher named Manian sir ..well he was the close one I have lost i guess since my grown maturity..I respected him very much as most of my schoolmates ..he was a great person , very jovial ...his classes used to be a great fun for all of us...and i attended his last rites and when I saw his dead body over there in the hall , the life was missing in him...yes !! thats called death ...right....

So death is just the absence of life..so the organic matter is left behind..and the spiritual matter ?? where does it leave?? to heaven ?? or hell?? or the same world in another form??
hmmmmm its really hard to crack this code of death...coz none can return from death to explain us the aftermath of death...so it remains a mystery ...it will ...

hmmmmm let me tell my opinion about this ....REINCARNATION do happens...

Death??

2007-03-24T19:33:00.000+05:30

Death...

This five letter word has been the most mysterious phenomenon I had ever known...

Is it an entrance to another world where we rest in peace??
or
Is it an entrance to the same world where we live in??
or
Is it just a dead end??

Hmmm since I have known the world, this thing has kept me wondering for many nights..so i decided to buy some book about this and i ended up with LIFE AFTER DEATH by some unknown author(I dont remember the name...not worth remembering) well those were my beginning series of books...now I guess i read a lot...that too only when i m free from this machine...
hmmm sorry friends...too lazy to complete this now...will do it later...

To be continued....

Distant Memories...

2007-03-24T18:39:00.000+05:30

So after having renewed my internet account , for which i have to wait for 2 days , now my self imposed curb on my freedom of browsing has beed abolished succesfully.Well these two days were very difficult to cope up without this connectivity to the outer world.Its when i have no other job to do, i look around my surroundings.Does that mean i am an opportunist?? May be!! As I had no other significant things to do these days, I spent some time in looking around myself .Many things have changed around my home ;new constructions being carried out everywhere ...one particular thing in our schoolhood cricket ground, where we used to play cricket almost on all weekends irrespective of weather conditions let it be the sunny summer holidays or those rainy days when we use to put sand on those stagnant pitch to make it affordable for playing a good game..Our craziness didnt end up there ..it even went to a high of maintaining a record for all runs scored ,all wickets captured, catches taken, stumpings made, runnouts,50s,100s....etc...Such a high was our madness about cricket..And we maintained a ranking system too ...And i was numero uno in that list..hehehehe...

But now some 3 years back my craziness swapped to football..it was then i began to hate cricket..and now having India crashed out of World cup ,its got still worse..

And so these memories started somewhere due to the absence of Internet and it feels certainly good to refresh those childhood days...hmmmm I m still being a child anyways..hehehe..Sometimes I claim myself an adult (coz of my maturity hehehehe) but in real I m not ...I m still in the stage of dilemma...

Neonatal

2007-03-22T05:43:00.000+05:30

On this night ,22.03.2007, during when I failed to fall asleep...a faint idea of creating a blog stroke upon my cerebrum and the consequence is this neonatal blog by a neophyte...

I have always had profound thoughts about various issues, but I never came forward to share my thoughts with others except to my friends of my circle ,which is really small and keeps on dwindling most of the time...And so this blog would obviously help me out in this ...I believe so...

The name I have entitled for my blog is DOODLES Of The INSANE....U can guess who is that Insane...Its got to be myself...

oops its 6 AM now...got to brush my teeth...I have just had my second night out in my life... The first one was when I had to work out the whole night for my pathology II paper exactly one month ago...(GOD!! ..its a coincidence!!)

Well , so I would be home for another week atleast...and will try to post some thing to keep my newborn baby alive...

Good Morning.....